You.

the letter

I wrote a letter for you 

I remember I being in tears when I was writing most of it

I never ended up sending it

I never had the guts to

so here

"Dear x,

I just had to say that

I miss you

god do I miss you

I miss you so much

everything reminds me of you

all the songs I listen to are about us

or what used to be us at least

every heartbreaking melody

every gutting lyric

it cuts me deep

and it feels like a personal jab at me

like the author knew this was gonna hurt me

it's the same when I'm reading too

all those poems and love stories

I imagined us as eleanor and park

each other's first love.

you know I read every night to help me sleep

so every night

the thought of me being in your warm, safe arms again

lingers in my mind before falling into a deep slumber.

I always thought we would end up together in the end

from the way you once looked at me with such wonder and fulfillment

from how you would say I'm "flawless, gorgeous, perfect"

made me believe that I had found my "one"

even when I knew deep inside you never meant any of those things

I still wanted to believe it.

you said you wanted a break

that it wasn't the right time for you to be dating right now

but your friends tell me you're seeing some other girl already

why?

why lie when you could've stopped me from having this

this false hope that I've held onto for the life of me 

all I ever wanted to do was make you happy

be a good girlfriend

but I wasn't enough for you

I'll never good enough for you

not pretty enough

not smart enough

not girly enough

and i'll never live up to you and the impossible standards you've put up 

this is my truth

my perspective on everything

and

just know that i loved you,

it's ridiculous that after everything i can still say that

and despite everything

i do wish you well

so write back to me, please.

if you ever felt anything

a spark

a connection

anything when we were together

then write back to me with your truth

to give me clarity

tell me why you dared to falsify my expectations of what could've been our future together

yours always,

X "

i always meant to send this

but I'm glad I didn't

I know now that

you never loved me

you were in love with the idea of me