A Heart Beats At Night

Chapter 35

"Where are you staying, Mila?"

"Hackescher Markt," she muttered, staring out the window into the darkness. She was supposed to thank Viktor, or try to make him see that Otabek didn't deserve whatever kindness had been offered, but Mila wasn't sure that she could convince herself anymore. Nothing fit. He wasn't lying, but he couldn't be telling the truth. Yuri had forgiven even if he hadn't forgotten, and however anxious Mila was about him, he'd begun to develop some modicum of self-preservation over the past couple of years.

She should have listened, but first she needed to be heard, and Mila couldn't quite explain why.

"So, talk," said Viktor. She wasn't sure if she'd spoken out loud or if her face told him everything. "If you don't figure out what you're trying to say, this is never going to work."

"It doesn't matter now," Mila replied, propping her knee against her bag to relieve the strain of travel and tension. "Yuri's not going to let me come back after that."

"You think so?"

"Otabek doesn't want me there, so Yuri won't either," she spat. "Just drive me to the airport, I'll catch a flight."

Viktor hummed under his breath.

"No, I'm not going to do that," he said. Mila blinked. "You know, Otabek was the one who wanted to tell you he's here. Yuri was waiting until things were more settled – no, don't look at me like that, it's an instinct for us and he's finally learning to listen to it. We can't jump into things without being certain of where we'll land. He didn't let Otabek back in easily, by the way."

"Otabek wanted... why? He had to know I wouldn't be happy, not after everything he did." She sighed. Then again, if Otabek had fought for Yuri instead of forcing himself into their lives, maybe it wasn't a surprise that he would make a full run of it. "It's not like I was nice to him before."

She'd been brutal, senses numb and heart raw from forcing herself to say goodbye to Yuri, and horrified by the poison that had poured from her throat – the vitriol that didn't seem to leave a mark, as Otabek watched her with impassive eyes. You're alone, he'd said without voicing a word, you have to miss him by yourself. You could have done more.

"You'll have to ask him to explain that."

"Why the fuck should I trust him?" She couldn't stop going in circles; couldn't let him talk because she didn't trust him, couldn't trust him because he gave her nothing to believe. "He won't even talk for himself! He just- he just cowered behind Yuri, and Yuri wasn't saying shit."

"You smile a lot when you're worried," Viktor said. Was he being an airhead, or did he have a point? It was impossible to tell most of the time. "Yuri yells. You both try to get a reaction when you think you're being ignored."

"... Yeah?"

"Somehow I don't think that's ever been Otabek's first instinct. He likes to know what he's going to say before he says it, instead of hearing it as it comes out."

Otabek was calm where Yuri was hotheaded. That was how their friendship had worked. That was how their relationship would have worked, if everything hadn't fallen to pieces. Maybe it was like that now, but Mila wouldn't know, because Yuri had shut her out again.

Calm. Quiet.

One was peaceful inside, and the other was outwardly silent. They went together. Were they the same thing?

Tap-tap, tap-tap, tap-tap.

Yuri, reminding Mila that emotions made their presence known.