A Heart Beats At Night

Chapter 38

Viktor's eyebrows shot up at Otabek's announcement, and a heavy mixture of joy, shock, and cold dread welled up in Yuri's chest. Only a few weeks ago, he'd been ready to dial the phone himself, but now he forced a reassuring smile.

Otabek sat with his hands folded in his lap, staring down at the carpet, and Yuri realized with a jolt that the cloak of determination that he used to wear like a second skin was back. It had been ragged, shredded by fear and uncertainty, worn with shame instead of pride – but it was more than that, had always been Otabek's soul bared to the world.

It, too, was scarred but healing.

He was healing.

That particular realization hit Yuri like a lightning bolt, hard and sudden and obvious – but somehow he'd missed it, that Otabek was slowly picking up the pieces of himself. That he'd be okay.

"Let us know what we can do to help," said Viktor, flashing a soft smile. "Whatever you need."

"Thank you," replied Otabek. He lifted his eyes for a moment before dropping his gaze again and pulling the nearest cat into his lap.

That was pretty much the end of their first 'family meeting;' Viktor babbled for a couple of minutes about having people over and something to do with chores, but Otabek seemed too shocked by what he'd said to listen, and even if Yuri hadn't been equally distracted, his selective hearing was finely tuned to drown out parties and housework.

Viktor picked up Myshónok and went upstairs, ostensibly to call Katsudon, but obviously with the intention of giving Yuri and Otabek some privacy.

"You really want to do this?" If Yuri had pushed Otabek into this before he was ready, he had to take care of this now.

"Yeah," sighed Otabek. "I think so."

If Otabek thought so, he meant it – it took a lot for him to change his mind. It wasn't the action he was unsure of, but its meaning, and how to go about it.

"Beka... what changed?" Yuri shifted a couple of cats so he could sit closer to Otabek. "Was it talking to Mila?"

"I don't know," he admitted. "Probably. And I- I asked Viktor to talk to people, to find out what the thing was. In Sweden. What happened."

"He found out," Yuri breathed, forcing himself not to move. He wanted to wrap himself around Otabek, hold him tight, but memories of cold skin and hungry, grasping hands might be too close to the surface. "Are you okay?"

"More than I was." Otabek paused again, like his words were nearly past his lips when they decided, of their own volition, not to be spoken. "I- sorry. I should have-"

"You don't have to tell me everything, Beka," replied Yuri. "Just... what you want. I trust you."

Otabek leaned into Yuri, letting Mitya meow his protests at the movement and hop down from his lap. They fit together so well, Yuri thought, as the warm touch of Otabek's breath touched his collarbone.

"I always thought I should have been able to do more," he murmured. "If I changed back faster, got her out of the water. Figured out something was wrong earlier, told her to stay away from the ocean. And then... I passed out, I didn't know what happened, if I'd let it keep attacking people. Or if she was still there somehow, it wasn't too late for her, and I killed her-"

"Beka," whispered Yuri, horrified. It shouldn't have been surprising that Otabek would blame himself for trying to survive (and barely managing – he tried to shut out the image of Otabek, unconscious and vulnerable, of how bad a wound would have to be to leave the sort of scar that twisted across his chest), but whatever he'd expected, it wasn't this. Everything he'd said to Otabek during the terrible first week pushed itself to the forefront of his mind. "Beka, I'm so sorry."