Takdir

∞ March ∞

3 March 20xxi. 1 am

Dear Annabella, happy 15th birthday . . .

Sorry. I am sorry. For everything. Sorry, I don't love you enough. I made you work so hard that at the end of the day you collapse from exhaustion. I hardly ever take time to care for you. Your hands are scratched from doing houseworks. Your skin is pale and dry. You have permanent bags under your eyes.

It must've been hard. But you have to be strong, because this is the life that we have to endure now. You have to be strong, because you have no one to be strong for you. You have to be strong because being weak kills you. You have to be strong and live.

I promise I will treat you better in the future. I promise I will love you more. I promise.

∞

10 May 20xxi. 7 pm

I could be sitting in the dining table while listen to Noah's joke of the day, if I were home. I would not have missed Adam's cheeky grin and the way he lands kisses on my forehead every morning, if I were home. I suppose that's what going to happen if only I had agreed to join Adam and Noah on their tour last year. I suppose that's what going to happen if only I had not went out with Suri to that accident that day. I suppose that's what going to happen if only it had been Suri who survived the accident, not me.

I've been thinking a lot about the past, about the what ifs. And I couldn't stop crying over it. The worst part is, it's in my conscience that nothing will ever be the same, that I would never meet them again . . . and it kills me,

Because I start to miss the sting from mother's slaps, or the bruises on my skin from the way they grip my wrist and arm, or the hair falling out of my scalp because it's been grabbed and tugged too many times. Because with all the pain, I get to see concerns on my brothers' eyes, as they tend to my wounds and bruises, singing our song to ease the pain.