My Highschool Experience

Freshman Year

The start of freshman year was something else. As it was I already had my established friend group. My boyfriend at the time Ean, was very much pushing the line of comfort, and for the most part we all had a couple classes together. I was so excited about being with my friends. The first day wasn't so bad since my classes were pretty easy: Algebra 1, Physics, English, P.E., Spanish, and Engineering. I was just starting to learn what life was going to be like from here on out. About this time Ean and I had been together for almost a year. At first we had a good thing going, then something in him changed that year. This is how my depression started. At home my parents were constantly fighting and coming so close to a divorce that it hurt my spirit. I was always the one they took their anger out on and always the one who took punches from just about everyone. I wasn't allowed to go out at all with friends and was instead put to do housework. This all was taking an emotional toll on me that would soon get worse. Ean was never there for me. Everytime we would talk it was always about him and his problems while I sat there to listen. He would tell me how his parents were so hurtful to him, how they called him stupid for the first time, and how his life was "so difficult". That wasn't even the worst of it. He was so self centered and did what he could to pat his ego including making me feel like less than I was. All in all I thought I was ready to face freshmen year. Turns out I wasn't. I fell into a state of depression, I began practicing self harm and I kept to myself most of the time because I was too scared to reach out to anyone. It also didn't help that my friends were also practicing self harm. Everyday I would go home and cry. Slitting my wrist happened way more often than I would breathe. I remember the feeling of the blade slicing through the delicate skin on my wrist, thighs, and stomach. The worse ones would be on my thighs as the cuts would get deeper and deeper, leaving the worst scars possible. As emo as I was I still wanted to fit in. I used to think being stupid and hiding who I was is okay. Trust me it wasn't. I began slacking off in every class to the point where I would be in the counselor's office everyday. I would bullshit my way through assignments making every excuse in the book I could. And this continued all year long. As the summer approached I thought things would be better but no they started getting worse and worse.