Cold

11 - Cold Fingers

Ezra turned towards Julia.

"What's up with you recently? You've been so temperamental, more than usual."

"I'm fine."

"No you're not. You are constantly in my face asking me what's wrong and trying to get me to talk to you but you never tell me anything! What has gotten into you?" Ezra asked. Julia huffed and pulled over the car abruptly before putting it in park.

"You," Julia turned to him, the car's interior lights turned on, "you are my problem. Ever since you changed I've been desperately trying to get back to the Ezra I used to know. The Ezra that liked me back."

Ezra sat there quietly, not knowing what to do with her answer.

"Why don't you like hugs anymore? Why don't you let me lay on you anymore? Why don't we bake anymore? Why don't we ever do anything together anymore? I shouldn't have to feel like I'm forcing you to hang out with me."

He clenched his jaw.

"Of course you're not going to say anything. Why would you? You never talk to me anymore about anything."

"I talk to you," Ezra whispered.

"No, you don't. You talk at me, you talk around me, but you don't talk to me. If you're so confident that we talk all the time then explain to me what's up with you and maybe I'll be able to explain what's up with me."

Should I? I'm so tired though. This is all so much. Would it be easier to just tell her or to lie. Lying takes energy. Energy that I certainly don't have.

"Julia," Ezra took in a deep breath before messily spitting it out, "I have an eating disorder and it makes stuff like touching and cooking and all that sort of stuff really, really difficult. That's how I'm a size small now and why I was sent home Monday and why I like it when we go for things like hikes and goat yoga rather than out for lunch. I've had it since the summer before freshman year."

Everything around them was still.

"Don't talk about that summer."

"You asked me what was up and I'm telling you. That summer after-"

"I know what happened, stop talking about it, it makes me uncomfortable and you know that," Julia put her face in her hands. "So you're saying that when your dad left, you stopped eating?"

"Well that is wildly summarized but pretty much, yeah."

"I thought eating disorders were a girl thing."

"So I've heard," Ezra sat back in his seat and closed his eyes, frustrated, "but it's not. I'm not a girl and there are plenty of boys with eating disorders."

"So this is why you don't want to date me?"

Ezra shot up in his seat, the seat belt locking for a second. "What?"

"You're just going to sit here and pull the pity card so I leave you alone."

WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING?

"What on earth are you talking about? Since when was it even a question about whether or not we would be dating?"

"Since when? I asked you to be my boyfriend almost a year ago when we were out at dinner! I thought you never said anything about anniversaries because you were one of those people who didn't count the months," Julia looked at him, her shoulders sagged, her face defeated.

"I must have been distracted, it was really bad last year. I'm sorry."

"So you don't like me?" she frowned for the millionth time in that week alone.

"I like you, just not like that... you know? You're not my type." Ezra shrugged.

Julia turned back towards the road as a tear slid down her cheek.

"What is your type, huh? Am I not manly enough for you? What do you need someone manly to balance out your girl's disorder?"

"It's not a girl's disorder!"

"Whatever, I don't care."

"You don't care about a lot which explains so much," Ezra mumbled.

Julia's knuckles turned white on the steering wheel. "Get out."

"What?"

"GET OUT!"

Ezra's voice was squeaky and quiet, "But we're already so far from-"

"I SAID GET OUT! Walk home, I'm sure you'd love the exercise wouldn't you?" She unlocked his door.

He sat for a moment, not sure if he was more scared of being outside without a phone or a way home or in the car with Julia.

He stepped out of the car, slamming the door behind him before she tore down the street.

She was terrifying.

The air immediately bit at his nose and fingertips but he was so worked up he needed to cool down his core. He went to a nearby parking meter and put his jacket on it before rolling up his sleeves with trembling hands. He then unbuttoned his shirt down to his solar plexus. Everything in him shook terribly from rage, from sadness, from malnutrition, from the cold, everything made him shake.

Tears ran fast down his cheeks, when exactly they started he didn't know. It felt like they had been flowing since that morning even. His eyes burned as he gripped the meter for support as he hiccuped. Ezra breathed heavily until he calmed himself down, choking on his tears. He was still in public after all, even though non one was around he couldn't stand to be out like that.

He couldn't stand to be.

I don't want to be.

I don't want to be here.

Not anymore.

It's best for everyone if I just stop giving them problems to deal with.

Sure if I'm dead, that's a problem.

But there won't be any new ones.

This is the one thing I can actually fix. The one thing I'll be able to do right.

To do it right.

If I'm going to do it, I'm going to do it as right as I can.

He grabbed his jacket and headed towards a lit up convenience store, his cold fingers running through his hair.