Cold

13 - Cold Moment

This is probably the most thoughtful thing I've done for myself in a year which is, for lack of better words, fucked.

Ezra made his way up the apartment's fire escape. Considering that he had barely enough energy to stand properly, it was more than a struggle. It was demanding.

He was somewhat past halfway even though he felt like he should have reached the top forever ago.

I'm pathetic. I'm some sick boy with a sick woman's disease. I'm so feminine, people think I need to be fixed. They didn't fix me right. If they made me the boy they wanted me to be then none of this would have happened. I'd be normal. Manly.

I'm manly.

Ezra heaved as he pulled himself up to the last step. The tenth floor.

He sat down with his legs over the edge. Finally tasting what he was about to finally be submerged in.

Nothing.

Everything was quiet up there like it was too much for the sound to climb. The lights up and down the street gave everything such a warm and inviting glow. It was a postcard photo November.

Quiet.

So quiet.

So, so loud.

This is what I deserve. This isn't what anyone else deserves. Just me. Arguably the smartest stupid decision I've ever made. I'll ever make.

He closed his eyes and pressed out the tears that had been building up. No point in trying to keep them inside now. He pulled out the notebook and pen, thinking if he should start with the easiest to write or the hardest.

He couldn't get Julia out of his head.

Julia Balm,

This just is not your fault in any shape way and or form. As much as I want to blame it on you, we all knew this would happen eventually. Us falling out, not me taking a nosedive because no one should ever have to put up with my terrible sense of normality. I'm just saying, you were constantly trying to change me and make me into some "perfect guy" and the only reason it worked was because I was so detached from myself that it only made sense for me to take on your awful personality. You are the type of person to tell somebody how not to act so that you can be the only one doing that thing. You're two-faced, hypocritical, and overall one of the worst people I have ever met (excluding myself). I would hate for my goodbye letter to be all boo-hoo-you-suck-too so I want to remind you that we've had great times together and I would never wish any harm against you or wish you were never apart of my life. You shaped me to be the person I am today (but we're just going to ignore that that person is about to kill himself and has had a very dangerous mental illness for 2 years. You truly bring out the best in people.)

Love, Ezra Nobern

P.S. Nothing about me or this situation is your fault, I swear, just maybe if you didn't kick me out of your car after I opened up to you, things might have been mildly different.

Ezra was shaking. From what? No one, not even himself, could have precisely pin-pointed one singular cause. Who else would be easy? He stared out into the cloudy night before pulling out his phone. Instagram lit up his screen.

3eskinny: Hey guys, I just wanted to say that you guys mean the world to me and have helped me through a lot. From issues big to small you guys were there and I could never thank you enough. I'm going to be taking a break for a bit, how long I'm not sure but remember that you are all loved and important and before you say no one loves you, I love you. You all deserve every ounce of happiness the world could possibly offer. Please, all of you, stay safe. <3<3