Whirlwind

(16) reunited

JASPER

***

When Libby and I parted ways at class on Monday, something in me fucking snapped.

I had wanted to prove to myself that I didn't need her, that I would be fine without someone I'd grown to depend on, but that couldn't have been fucking farther from the truth.

Not being able to hold her in my arms like I had on Monday morning was the most difficult thing I'd had to endure since Benny's funeral. And I know that sounds fucking dramatic but it's fucking true.

When she said take a week, I thought it'd be fine. It's five days. No biggie. I've gone through three fucking years in hell, I can last a week. But no. It was horrible. I'm just fucking thankful that I only had the one class with her.

Monday was okay, because I'd held her in my arms and kissed her that morning. But by Monday afternoon I was already a mess. I felt like I was going through withdrawal symptoms, and I didn't even recognise myself by the end of the day.

Instead of going home that night, I just drove to the beach and slept in the bed of it under a blanket. I didn't want to go home because there may be things that already reminded me of her. The comforter and the bedding, even the fucking bed, would remind me of how she woke up me this morning trying to give me a hand job. I mean it was utterly ridiculous. This was literally fucking day three and it was getting into like... stalker behaviour or something. Ugh.

Anyway, day two I was a grumpy mess. An even more grumpy mess. I hadn't had a shower that morning because I hadn't been home, I was wearing yesterday's clothes and I was tired as fuck. And then I was just grabbing lunch or breakfast and in she fucking walks in. Her hair was wet from a shower, and she was wearing a massive t-shirt with a pair of long denim shorts, her sandals and she was laughing with two of her roommates. I stared at her while she got her food and I was just fucking shocked that she seemed so okay. She didn't even look at me, she didn't even acknowledge me. She was okay while I was a mess, and it fucking broke me.

I don't know what went through my head at that point. But I was furious. I smashed my fist into the table and got up in a flurry, surprising two preppy freshman on the table next to me. I legged it out of Wag, hoping she didn't see me in such a state. And even though all I wanted to do was run, I knew I couldn't miss any classes that day, so I spent the rest of my day in my car, avoiding her at all costs.

Ziggy found me at one point, saying he never heard back from me after Sunday. I lied and said I cracked my phone, but he didn't seem convinced. He said I looked like shit, which was fucking nice of him, but when I got home I looked at myself in the mirror and he was right. My eyes were red from tiredness, my clothes looked really creased and I absolutely stank. I had huge purple circles under my eyes and I knew I was in for another restless night.

***

Wednesday I went to class and sat with my back to her the whole time. We'd started reading this book by David Sedaris. Abrams was getting us to read certain passages out, but by the end of the class neither Libby nor I had been asked to. It meant either she or I would be called on on Friday, but I'd get to that day when I came to it. I didn't want to hear her voice. I didn't know what I'd do if I did. And I didn't want to be responsible for my actions.

I sacked off the rest of that day and picked up a large bottle of vodka. I drove down to the beach and just drank myself into a stupor, drowning my sorrows and my frustration. I probably looked like a crazy person, drinking by myself on the beach, but the alternative was killing me. The alternative of just accepting that I needed her and that I should go round there... but I wouldn't let myself because I needed to last these five days. We both needed the space. We'd agreed.