Our Love (Zayn Malik AU: Sequel to Our Story)

Grief

Grief: a natural response to loss. It is the emotional suffering one feels when something or someone the individual loves is taken away

Everyone says that you can never understand someone else’s situation until you fall across the same situation. I never understood when they would say that and I would think that was just some bullshit philosophy they say just to make themselves sound smart.

But seeing the state I’m in, the state that my family is in, I can’t help but feel for everyone that has been through hardships. But that’s the thing, they’ve been through one or two obstacles and then the rest of their lives are perfect. It’s like everyone has to overcome one thing and they can live the rest of their lives in peace and happiness. Everyone except for us.

The damn accident, me being in a coma for almost three years, Gracie’s miscarriage, the feeling of not being able to walk, and now this.

Infertility.

The thing is, if it was natural, there from the start, we could’ve looked at the option of adoption from the start. We could have coped with it. Adapted to it. But that’s the thing, it’s not natural. It was caused.

But you know what hurts the most?

The fact that it was me who caused it. If I wasn’t being so reckless that damned day while driving, none of this shit would have happened.

I could have been there for my kids, for my wife, my friends and family. We would’ve had a little two year old running around the house, bringing joy and happiness. We could’ve been a normal family living a normal life.

But no, I had to be so reckless. It’s like sorrow and grief is always around us and I’m the one who always causes it.

I’m the fuck up.

You can’t cope with news like this. Watching Jawaad and Jane run around the house laughing makes it harder. They make it harder because we can’t make beautiful babies like them anymore.

But everything I’m feeling is nothing compared to Gracie.

I’m here dwelling over the fact that if it wasn’t for me, we could have had as much babies as we want while she’s crying over the fact that the problem is her. That she’s the reason we can’t have babies.

The way she broke.

She’s been so strong, waiting for me to wake up and taking the role of both parents to our kids while I was in a fucking coma.

It was as if she was hanging from a rope that has been falling apart for three years now and it got to its last strand. And all it took for that last strand to split the rope in half and make her fall and crumble was that horrid news.

And to make it even worse, the memory of that day just keeps repeating inside of my head over and over again.

“It’s impossible for you to get pregnant.” The doctor spoke.

I clutched Harry’s shoulders, feeling as if my legs are going to give up on me. It wasn’t until I felt like I was suffocating did I notice that I have been holding in my breath.

“W-What do you mean…she can’t get pregnant?! She’s been pregnant before!” Louis told the doctor.

“It’s caused. It’s not natural. The impact of the crash was mostly on her stomach, leading to the miscarriage. But that’s not the only thing that went wrong. During the night of the accident, it was snowing which only made Gracie’s wounds infected, leading to affect the fetus and cause infections inside her body. Together, the impact of the car and metal on her stomach and the infections caused the capsule of the ovaries to become damaged and scarred, but not totally damaged to an extent where they have to be removed. That’s why you haven’t experienced any syndromes.”