Kid?

Chapter 12: And The Secrets Out

Over the next month Peter managed to perfect his 'getting better, doing great' facade. The team were happy. They watched him as he joined for movie nights again, ate meals with them, smiled. The only one with any doubts was Tony. Peter was exhausted. The performance he was putting on took all his effort. It was that distant Look he got when he barely had anything left in him and it was taking all his effort simply not to start bawling, that Tony seemed to be able to catch. That, and he was good at detecting fake smiles. Tony was not happy with the amount he believed he was seeing from Peter. Despite this, Tony believed Peter was making progress, and that was enough for him. Besides, he figured he wasn't good at feelings and he'd probably only make things worse. He took to encouraging smiles, pats on the back, and (when it was very obvious Peter was having a bad time) sometimes hugs.

The only thing that Peter was glad about was that it was a Saturday. He felt like he'd been hit by a train, but he had to keep up his act. Sometimes he let it slip a little, he was smart enough to know the team would expect it from time to time so he wasn't worried. However he'd already skipped out on a movie night at the start of the week and the family dinner the night before. So he knew he'd be getting a knock at his door if he didn't show up for his Saturday training session with Nat. He wouldn't be surprised if he got forced into a couple extra therapy sessions as well.

He forced himself to get dressed, pulling on semi-clean clothes that had been lying on his floor. Trudging down the corridor he walked to where he knew Natasha would be waiting for him. She had been determined in the beginning to get him out every day, but after he'd gone back to school she was less persistent. They'd taken to training just the two of them at least every Saturday. This Saturday they were not the only ones there, fighting against a punching bag in the corner was Bucky. He was deep in concentration so the only greeting Peter got was a slight nod of the head while he kept going.

They fought. Peter was sluggish and unfocused, more so than usual. So it wasn't a surprise when he was almost immediately brought to the ground by the more experienced fighter.
"Come on Peter, we both know I don't need you to go easy on me."
Peter merely grunted from the floor in response.
They continued on, with very similar results from the first time. Eventually, after she had knocked him to the ground for what seemed like the hundredth time, Nat decided she had to say something.
"Alright, Peter. I'm going to start feeling guilty if you don't get a good hit in soon. You feeling okay?"
Peter was a bit flustered, he was embarrassed from how terrible his fighting had been. He felt weak, partly because for the past week he hadn't really eaten other than dinner when he was surrounded by people watching him. He also couldn't help but notice the pain in his legs, where he was sure numerous cuts had been reopened. He wasn't too worried about that though, he was wearing black joggers. He had learned from the last time.
"I'm fine Nat, honestly. I'm just a bit off I guess."
"Do you want to call it a day?"
He did. More than anything.
"Um, yeah sure. If you think that's best."
Natasha reaches out a hand to help Peter up, he grabbed it and put the other half of his weight onto his other hand. Which was resting on his thigh. Peter quite clearly winced and let out a soft, but audible gasp.
"Shit Peter, did you get hurt?"
"Nope," Peter replied way too quickly,"Not at all," he was careful to slow it down this time. However it did not have the desired effect, he still sounded very much like a liar.
Natasha looked doubtful,"You would make a terrible spy, little spider. I don't think you could lie convincingly if your life depended on it."
Regardless of the situation, this statement almost made Peter want to boast about how he'd been fooling everyone, tell them all that the only reason he was still able to act sane was because of the lines he carved into his own skin. As insane as that sounded. But he had to admit, he was good at round about lies, evading questions and answering in general terms. When affronted with a direct question, with one answer, on the spot...he wasn't quite as good.
By this point, Bucky had walked over. He was still hanging back a bit but was obviously paying close attention to what was going on.
"I'm fine Nat, I must have just pulled a muscle or something."
"Peter, I know what injuries and pain look like. Trust me. And that didn't look like a pulled muscle."
Peter was fully standing up now and was eying the door.
"Nonsense Natasha, I'll just go lie down and I'm sure it will feel better later."
He turned around and headed for the door.
"Turn around, come back here. Since when did you call me Natasha. I'm going to go with, since you started lying to me."
Peter kept going, cursing that the room was so damn big. He heard taking behind him but was not prepared for the arms that lifted him and walked him back over to Natasha. He felt like an overgrown toddler. The utter shock at being lifted under the armpits by the winter soldier was the only thing that prevented Peter from going into a full blown panic attack. He had to get out of that room.
"Peter, tell me what's going on?" Nat said
"Nothings going on! Stop treating me like a child. And what happened to know feelings talk while training? I thought we agreed on that one." Peter turned to leave again.
"I will lift you again, Pete. Don't make me." Bucky's voice didn't exactly give Peter hope that he was joking. So he turned back round, looking like a child in a huff. The irony was definitely lost on him.
"Things change when you start lying. Show me your leg."
Peter could here the command in her voice, Black Widow was not leaving room for Peter to say no. And yet...
"Nat, this is dumb."
"Peter we both know who will win this fight."
Peter wasn't sure whether she was talking about a verbal or physical fight, either way he knew he wouldn't place a bet on himself. He couldn't help but think he could have disarmed the situation better. He couldn't see any way out anymore. So Peter knelt down slowly, taking one last look up, he rolled his joggers up from the bottom. Both Natasha and Bucky's eyes widened and neither made a sound. He could now see that some of his cuts indeed had reopened. Not that it made much difference, the jagged, overlapping scars were enough to show what was going on anyway.

Peter had his head down, looking towards the ground. He sat on his usual seat at the dining table. Tony on one side and Cap on his other. Clint was beside Natasha, and Bucky was on her other side.Sam, Thor, and Bruce were also present at the table. Not that anyone was particularly happy to be there. This time, the tactic of not crowding Peter had gone out the window and everyone was feeling ever so awkward in the silence. Although mostly concerned.
"Peter." Tony's voice seemed to wake everyone from their own thoughts,"Why?"
"Yeah Petey, we thought you were doing so well. You should have told us you weren't." Steve spoke next. When it came to Peter, Tony and Steve tended to take charge. The rest of the team could not say they envied that in the moment. Even so, they all seemed to echo their own version of Tony and Cap's words.
"You seemed happy."-Sam
"I don't get it."-Thor
"I just can't believe...I mean this could be Lila, or Cooper, or Nathaniel."Hawkeye whispered, it was not lost on him that he saw no difference in his own kids than Peter.
"There was so many, how long Pete?"- Bucky
"You could've talked to me Peter. I swear I wouldn't judge."-Bruce
It ended with Natasha,"Just explain it to us Peter. I could understand this except for the fact you were getting better."
At that, Peter never raised his head but he couldn't help but let out a laugh. It wasn't humorous, though. It was cold and devoid of much emotion. He wasn't letting himself feel much, because they knew. His secret was out now, and all that time spent pretending was for nothing.
All eyes were on him.
"I wasn't getting better. I just let you all believe what you wanted to believe. And look I'm sorry, I just. It was easier like this."
"Shit, Peter," Tony cursed,"I should've known. I should've seen this. I did see it. I could tell you weren't being fully honest, I just didn't think not being fully honest meant...this."
"It's going to be okay. Now that we know we can help you properly, Peter. We'll do this, you've just got to try a little harder and you will get better."
"Ever the optimist, Cap," Natasha muttered under her breath, loud enough for everyone to hear. Clint opted to elbow her in her ribs. Meanwhile, Peter was shaking his head.
"What are you thinking, kid?"
"This is a joke. What do you think I've been doing? This is me trying. Trying to keep myself alive since you all seem so intent on that. I want to fucking die. I'm too tired, I don't want your pity, I don't want to get better and I don't want to have to try anymore. I am so sick of trying. I have spent years trying. What I want is to take some pills and this time for them to do their fucking job." Peter got up without taking a look at the people around him. He walked out of that room without seeing the horrified look left on the faces of people he left behind.

Published:31.07.2019