Road to Recognition

Eighteen

The hangout with Amaya and Renma was fun, to say the least. And I found out quite a few things about them that I would not have guessed on my own.

Firstly, Amaya is American like me and met Renma online like Hide and I. They are gamers who love playing things like Call of Duty. That's how they met a few years ago. Seeing as Amaya's mom is a Japanese citizen and grew up here in Japan, the Miller's were able to transfer from America. That's why they are both living here.

Secondly, they have some late adult friends who met up with us at the shopping center. Because of their outward appearance, I thought they were thugs who were planning on harassing my two friends. Nope. That's just the way they play around with each other. In reality, they are two nice guys who work at the local library. The pictures Renma showed me of them in uniform surprised me.

I sighed happily into my hand. I'm supposed to be working on my homework, not thinking about today's events. Still, a smile tugged at my lips.

And thirdly, Amaya and Renma are in a happy relationship.

Buzzing made me look towards my phone. I contemplated checking it or doing my work. I looked back at my worksheet doubtfully. The kanji suddenly looked alien to me. Curiosity getting the best of me, I picked up my phone.

'You going to do it?' Renma.

I pondered today's conversation. While Amaya and Abe and Akiyama were looking around in a clothes store, Renma sat with me outside to talk about her relationship. Talking about her relationship somehow came to the feelings I tried to terminate for Kirishima.

I started typing my response, but thought against it and deleted it. I shouldn't tell her a lie when all she's shown is kindness and support. Oh, yeah, she doesn't know about me being transgender. I retyped my response and sent it.

'I appreciate your advice, but I'm going to end up hurting him once the program ends if he comes to accept my confession. I'd rather get it over with now.' 

I jumped in my seat when the device started ringing. I shook my head. I was not expecting that. Even so, I picked up.

"Hi," I hesitantly answered knowing why she called.

"I don't want you to feel pressured, but is locking your feelings inside healthy at all?" came the reply. Oh, Renma. Worrying about my health at a time like this.

"Well, suggesting he were to accept my confession, what next? Leave him after three weeks and forget it ever happened? Because while you and Amaya-san had the patience to do long distance, he would not."

"You don't know that. You're just assuming," Renma gently argued. She is so gentle in everything she says or does. It's almost hard to believe this is an argument. "Things are different here than in America."

"I know..."

"And if he does come to reject you, I'm sure he wouldn't hate or dislike you. Almost nobody here is against homosexuals. He for a fact is not."

I paused in surprise. "He's outright told you he's okay with it?"

"Not directly, but to his brother, he's shown nothing but support since he came out." His brother? "Akiyama's last name is Kirishima."

I placed a hand to my mouth. "So those two are dating?"

Hearing Renma laugh made me blush. "No. Yura-kun is straight but is best friends with Aki-kun. He is simply attracted to men, is all."

"Ah, I see," I mumbled a little embarrassed. It's as if I implied that every gay man or woman there is with another person of the same sex is automatically a couple. Not everyone dates everyone.

"I won't change your mind, but I want you to think about this clearly before you do anything. Once you know what it is you want, go for it. Okay, Zen-kun?"

I slightly shook my head with pressed lips. "Okay. Thanks, Renma."

_____

In the end, I still didn't change my mind. I thought long and hard about the pros and cons of both options. Yet, here I am now, walking with Kirishima to the station, about to do what I know I will regret later on. This has to end now.

I slowed down until I came to a complete stop. We've only gone by a few houses from the one I'm residing in. I should probably wait until a less awkward situation comes up but I don't want to wait anymore.

Kirishima walked a few more steps ahead since we weren't talking again. When he finally noticed I wasn't beside him, he stopped to look back. "Zenjiro-san?"

I bit my lips and stared at the ground. I know what I want to say, and the counterargument in case he tries to convince me otherwise. I just can't seem to utter out the words. It took me another deep breath to look at him fully, and I bowed.

"I appreciate everything you've done for me by being my friend, but let's end things here." I stood back up though I refused to look at his face. I continued staring at the ground, waiting for the words to process in his mind. I expect confusion, disappointment, anger even. Just whatever it is he has to say.

"Hai." That... stings. I wasn't expecting him to agree right away. I guess he is being polite as well by not pressuring me to change my mind. "Why?"

A little taken aback, I regained my composure. So he will press for a reason. "It's... difficult to explain."

"Even though I've been your close friend since you arrived." I nodded with a frown. "Even though I said I will be your friend until the day you have to go back."

"It's almost time for me to go back--"

"You still have four weeks," Kirishima reminded me. I nodded and looked to the side. I don't want to tell him about my hopeless crush on him, though it seems as I might not have a choice.

"I don't want to burden you with my reason," I started without looking at him.

"I'm gay." I whipped my head to look at him in shock. My mouth opened and closed as I examined his features. He doesn't seem to be embarrassed or mocking. He seems serious. Then I blushed and averted my gaze.

"Was it that obvious...?" I asked. He shrugged.

"Betsuni. Hide-kun told me," he responded. Hide... It finally clicked why he was acting distantly these past few days.

I scratched my cheek, glancing at my hand resting on my school bag. "I'm guessing Hide has told you everything, did he?"

"I can't say for sure if he told me everything. Just mostly everything."

"And you're... gay?"

"I've always liked men. It's not something new." Oh. Based on his confession, Hide made sure to stay clear of the most sensitive subject. I have to break it to him before anything else.

I sighed. "Well, that's the problem... I'm not biologically a guy."

"... So?" I finally looked at him again. Kirishima held the most serious expression I've ever seen on him. He walked towards me, closing the distance between us and grabbing my shoulders. "I don't understand it very much, but as my older brother has always said, 'it doesn't matter what's in the pants. What matters is what's in the heart.'" Akiyama...

I nodded and silently said, "yeah."

"I met you as a guy and I like you as a guy. What difference does it make to being born a guy or identifying as one? I like you, Zenjiro-san," Kirishima finished. I glanced at his hands on my shoulders and rethought everything I planned on telling him. All of it? Scrapped.

"I like you, too, Kirishima...san." I can feel my face burning. Kirishima being a foot away from me just adds fuel to my blush. It doesn't matter if I hide it. It started turning red the moment he grabbed my shoulders.

"Nothing m-more needs to be... said," Kirishima said slowly and hesitantly. I smiled. For the first time since I developed feelings for this guy, I felt relief.

Now, this is nothing compared to the bigger challenge I will have to face tomorrow morning.