How Long Is Forever? - Merthur

the tricky thing about death

Gaius always told Merlin not to dwell. 

But as merlin enchanted Arthur to drift away on the lake of Avalon, his legs were glued to shore. Just standing. 

Of course, He dwelled. 

He couldn't take his eyes off the top of Arthur's head as he drifted farther away. He felt like even if he blinked, he would disappear entirely. But his eyes continued to water and tears blurred his vision. Unable to get a clear vision of the lake before him, Merlin blinked quickly, letting the tears roll off so he could get another look at his king. but in that one second, Arthur disappeared into the distance and merlin choked a sob fearing that will be the last of him.

His boots sunk more heavily into the shallow sandy water. Still staring at the spot Arthur once laid. 
   
Merlin didn't know how long he was standing there but his legs began to ache and the sun dipped behind the horizon. The sky seemed to set on fire, as if it was angry that destiny followed through. Merlin couldn't think of anything. He didn't want to think. He didn't want to know what would happen next. 

Merlin was nobody without magic, but turns out he was nobody without Arthur. 

How could of this happened? He spent every breathing moment protecting Arthur, loving Arthur. And he has failed. The sun continued to turn the sky gray as merlin realized that he was the only person in the world at that moment that knew that Arthur was,

Truly dead.

He could go back to Camelot and face gwen, gaius, the knights. And tell them that Arthur is dead. Or he could turn around and never look back. But either way, if he didn't return. Gwen would of know what happened.

His whole destiny was based on him keeping this moment from happening. Kilgharrah told him he hasn't failed but every bone in his body, every magic he held screamed in terror that he has. Of course he failed. Many had put their belief in merlin that he will make sure the kingdom everyone is waiting for will happen. Hundreds has died for it. And he failed. Failed all of them. He believed in himself for so long that he will see himself accepted. He knew it would happen. He knew arthur would bring it to them. And even as arthur was dying, merlin thought: 

“Maybe you’re immortal.” 

Because he can’t die. Not yet. Not now. Merlin promised arthur that he will fight for him or die at his side. Now arthur is dead and merlin is still alive. He was supposed to die alongside arthur. Part of him has. Two sides of the same coin. Half his soul now rests in the lake of avalon. He can’t keep thinking about all the things that went wrong.

What if they never ran into Kara? What if Merlin never lost his magic? What if they didn’t lose the horses? What if he called kilgharrah sooner? What if they just walked faster. It’s only filled with what if’s. And that’s all it ever will be. 

What if...he said he loved him. 

And arthur actually did accept merlin. He knew of his secret and he still held him in his arms. Arthur still thanked merlin. He knew and he was grateful for it. He cursed himself for not telling arthur sooner. Of course he believed arthur would still accept him. He isn’t his father. Of course he would be angry. Under these circumstances, arthur of course forgave merlin a lot faster then he would of if he told him sooner. He had a right to be angry. But that look in arthurs eyes as he told him to leave, made merlin break. He truly is such a fool for not telling him sooner. 

Merlin almost laughed out loud as he still stood in the shallow shore of avalon. It was already becoming dark. He just wanted to continue to be lost in his thoughts of arthur forever, even though arthurs body has disappeared in the distance. Arthur would of called him a idiot if he could see him right now. Spending hours just standing in the cold.