tw/ cutting and suicide. please do not read if sensitive to this.
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When I first told them I didn't feel right, that I felt a deep sadness and dread all of the time they didn't believe me.
They said it was normal to feel sad.
Then I told them that sometimes I feel like I want to die.
I asked if that was normal and all they did was send me off to bed.
I was young then around seven or eight and as the years rolled along, everything seemed to get worse.
It felt like I constantly lived in a dark cloud, it grew and grew. I hid my dark cloud because it seemed no one else had it. Everyone else around seemed happy.
Thoughts of dying seemed to come every day. How easy it would be to stab myself with this knife in my hand, how easy it would be to overdose on these pain medications, how easy it would be to jump off that bridge or walk into traffic.
One day, I started cutting myself. I started doing it over and over and over.
I thought it made me feel better, euphoric even.
But I realize that the dark cloud had started to infect my body.
I hated the scars but I couldn't stop.
It was like an addiction.
A habit, a fixation that started because of my cloud.
I can't live with this dark cloud anymore and that is why you're reading this.
By the time you're reading this, I should already be dead.
I'm not telling you this out of pity, I'm telling you this because I love you. I'm telling you this because I don't want you to think "what could I have done" because there's nothing. I'm telling you this because I want you to have some sort of closure from me, not the doctors.
Hyunjin, don't blame yourself.
Hyunjin, remember I love you.
Hyunjin, remember the sky. Remember I'll always be there, no matter what. Remember you can look to the sky and find me always. Take comfort in the sky, take comfort in what's above.
Please please don't lose your light, you're such a bright happy person. I always felt warm and at home around you. You made me feel safe from myself.
Don't let my cloud spread to you, okay?
Don't change, Hyunjin.
Love always,
Seungmin.
YOU ARE READING
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