Green Pastures (Edited)

Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Being released from the hospital without my parents and Ben was hard. I had to face the fact that I would never see them again. The hardest part wasn't me knowing they were gone, it was that I still had to go on without them. There is just no easy way. Sebastion had been sullen, not speaking to me and barely helping me with Jessi. Poor Annie, I couldn't begin to imagine how she was feeling today. Losing a parent is hard but, I'm sure losing a child is much different. Ben was such an Angel. Caring, humble, and funny. Now, he is our personal Guardian Angel. I hate that he died instead of me. It should have been me! Why did he have to leave me? Why did my parents have to leave my siblings and me? It's not fair!

Sebastion drove his car in complete silence and Jessi was peacefully asleep in her car seat. I nervously looked out the window, scared of other vehicles passing by. The police didn't have enough of a description to search for the vehicle that ran us off of the road. All they had to go on was that it was a black truck. No year, make, or model. The driver wasn't identified, either.

We would never have any answers.

Sebastion pulled the car into the driveway and turn it off. He got out, without a word and lifted Jessi's car seat out of the back. He closed the back door and walked to the front of the house. I walked up and opened the front door. After setting Jessi's seat on the couch, he walked to the kitchen. I went to my bedroom but hesitated at the door. I stood there for a moment and then turned on my heels. I paused at my parent's bedroom door, hand on the knob. I closed my eyes, praying that this was a dream and that when I opened the door they would be in there, asleep. I inhaled and opened my eyes. I twisted the knob of the heavy white door and pushed it open. It squeaked. I was afraid. Afraid that my worst nightmare was real, that they were really gone. I opened the door the rest of the way and entered.

I fell to my knees and cried when my eyes met the empty bed. My breathing became frantic, my heart was pounding and tears were flowing freely down my cheeks.

"Why," I cried, pulling at my hair. "Why did you take them away from me, God? They didn't deserve this! Jessi and Seb didn't deserve this! You should have taken me! Bring them back and take me," I sobbed. My chest rose and fell rapidly and I couldn't breathe. Tears and snot covered the front of my shirt. My whole body shook. Jessi's cry from the living room sent a shock through me. Be strong, I told myself. She needs me. I HAVE to be strong. I got up off of the floor with puffy eyes and a pounding head and turned my body away from the room. Before I closed the door, I looked back. Pain shot through my heart. I walked down the hallway to the living room and unbuckled Jessi, cradling her body to my chest. Sebastion was standing in front of the refrigerator, staring at its contents when I walked into the kitchen. I'm not sure if he was zoned out or if he didn't know what he was doing. I pulled a chair away from the table, making a scraping noise from the legs dragging against the floor, and sat down. Sebastion looked back and finally spoke.

"I don't know what to cook. That's what they always did." A tear rolled down his face. I started to get up but he waved me away, saying, "I'm fine!" He swipped the tear away, aggressively.

"Okay," my voice was small, full of hurt. I sniffled and said, "I'll cook."

He nodded and without another word, walked out. I shut the door to the refrigerator and opened the freezer. Numbly, I looked through the contents and settled for something easy. Frozen t.v. diners. I cradled Jessi and put one into the microwave. Mom always stocked the freezer with them for my dad and Sebastion. They would chow down on them every Sunday while watching a football game. It's going to be hard getting used to that not happening anymore, I thought. I poured two glasses of kool-aid and waited for the last diner to be done. When the microwave dinged, I took it out and put them on plates. I hollered for Sebastion and sat down.

"Be careful. It may still be hot," I told him.

I cooked his first but, have you ever noticed that when you want something to cool down fast it doesn't but, when you want it to stay hot, it gets cold too fast? Sebastion sat down at the opposite side of the table. It was one of those round tables that have an insert for the middle to make it long.

"I'm not a damn child," he snapped.

Swallowing the hot food, I turned my face down and watched Jessi sleep. At least she could make me feel better. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that."

Instead of answering, he got up from his chair and left the room. I no longer felt hungry so I got up from the table and went in search of my bag. I sniffled and smelled poo. Immediately, I knew who the culprit was. As if sensing my discomfort, Jessi smiled in her sleep. Abandoning my search, I quickly changed her and then laid her in the playpen by the front window. Flopping down on the couch and dragging my bag over to me, I let myself relax a little. I pulled out my phone and unlocked it. So many missed calls and text messages. One from an unknown number and about thirty from my friends. Emalie is the only person I called back.

The phone rang once before she picked up. "Iz, oh my God! I've been so worried about you. Are you okay? No, of course, you're not. What can I do? Do...'"

Before she could continue her questioning, I said, "Em stop. I'm okay. Can you come over?"

"I'm sure my parents won't mind. Hold on."

Silence was my only companion for a good minute. When she picked the phone back up, she said, "I'll be over in five."

"Please, be careful!"

"I will, beebee."

Only living a couple of houses down from your best friend had advantages. Longer sleepovers, a short walk away, and they are right there when you need them. Sebastion popped out of the hallway, in a mad dash to the front door. He had a book bag thrown over his shoulder, bursting at its seams.

"Where are you going?"

He stopped, but didn't say anything or turn to face me.

"When are you coming back?"

He walked out the door, giving me no reply. Emalie came through it looking confused but didn't make a comment. She trough her bags in the corner shut the door and kicked her shoes off. Before she came to sit by me, she kissed Jessi on the forehead. I smiled at her and said, "Thanks for coming over. I'm glad I asked because I didn't know he was leaving and I can't take being here in this house alone. I mean, yeah Jessi is here but she's just a baby."

"Any time. Do you wanna talk or just sit here?"

"We can talk."

I told her everything I could and then she held me while I cried and we both fell asleep on the couch. Jessi's cries only woke us every couple hours for a bottle or a diaper change. I found myself wondering how my mom survived the little sleep she got on top of taking care of us.