Mess Is Mine • The Pack

WHERE HAVE I BEEN??: important? update.. maybe

lmao my title reads like a YouTube clickbait title I'm laughing at myself.

I thought about unpublishing this book multiple times. I wondered if people would notice. A few years ago I unpublished three books and so many people were like please tell me they'll be back and I was like no sorry. Would people notice like they did once? And care?

The thing is, I'm by no means done with this book. It's hard to describe why I haven't written/ why I've been having such a hard time writing, but I haven't given up.

Why are you mentioning unpublishing it then?

Well because I want to restructure it. Rewriting doesn't sound right because a lot of what's written will stay but it's just going to be adjusted.. if that makes sense.

A lot of my issues writing this book is that I've thrown my original structure out the window. I've known of the main plot points that would  driving the book since... chapter twenty of Here is Home. I wanted to have chapters regularly so the main points that I couldn't find the words for were pushed aside and I would write what I could find the words for. Now I have a mixture of those main points, none of them really consistent throughout.

That's why each chapter takes so long.. because I'm like what the fuck this is not how I wanted this to be how do I fix this.

I know "it ain't that serious ma" but I will finish this book. I don't want people to think I've stopped caring. While this is technically a fan fiction, the only thing they share with the real people is the names. I wrote the characters and I really fucking love them.

I've really struggled with the decreasing readers I have. I've wanted to restructure/rewrite the book for a while but I was like, why put in all the effort in for no one to read it?

Upon rereading both Here is Home and Mess is Mine yesterday, I saw how not getting any comments was always a constant battle with me. Here is Home I unpublished for a whole month because I felt like no one was reading it before saying fuck it I love this book I'm gonna fucking continue. And I did. Chapter nine was the chapter I brought the book back with how iconic.

Rereading these books was really emotional for me because I just had so many memories of writing it. Loving any comments I got. What songs I listened to during it, when I laughed at my own jokes, when I cried at my own writing. You know how people say they like to read because it's like watching a movie? That's what writing is to me. I am watching a movie in my mind where I know everything and I feel everything my characters feel. And to be put back in that mindset again yesterday, I just felt such longing to get back to those characters I love so much.

I've definitely had the longing to write a lot in this past year. Not being able to listen to certain songs I've written to because they make me all sappy. Hearing someone say a characters name. Straight up just writing about them in my head because my environment sparked a what would my characters do moment? Last week I was reading All Your Perfects by Colleen Hoover and there was a sentence that almost exactly was something I had written and even reused in something I was writing earlier in the week and I was like uh what the fuck.

Just things like that that make you want to jump right in and write because you miss them.

Also in my reread I noticed there were so many parts where I was like "hey guys I need reassurance" and you all would crawl out the woodwork, people I didn't know still read would tell me how much they were enjoying it and it would mean so much to me. Me having these doubts is absolutely nothing new.

I'm totally rambling but I'm just explaining my thoughts because it's more than just being like "uh yeah I have writers block k bye". There's lots of things that go on when being attached to writing a book on a website that's fandom is long past dead.

So if I haven't been completely gone where exactly have I been?

Well this summer I've been writing a book.
A real full-fledged book that when up to my standards, I will take it to a agent in hopes of finding myself a publishing deal.

That's been another battle. Wanting to write my fan fiction that I started in the summer of 2016. Why waste your time and write something you won't publish? I'll write whatever I want thank you very much, brain trying to box me into one form of writing.

I don't know how to explain the book I'm writing. It's definitely my most tame, but means a lot to me in general. Right now I'm just building the relationships in the book, especially the friendships.

I was looking back at chapter seven of Here is Home because I wanted to take notes on how i established the vibe. But then I fell down a rabbit hole, finding old smut that I cut out of Here is Home. I originally cut it out to be as appropriate as I could. But I said fuck it and put it in so uh if you want exclusive never before seen™️ smut go read chapter nine and ten of Here is Home. It added such a different vibe in both chapters just by detailing what exactly happened besides being like:

Things got more heated.

"*Suggestive comment*" by Lachlan

"*Bashful comment*" by Preston

• • two dots to signify the time jump

They're breathing steadier now.

"Wow that was good sex."

So yeah.. if there's ever those two little dots in between the beginning and the end of smut in my books... 10 out of 10 times I've written that fully but cut it out because I felt guilty about writing it sjskssksk.

Honestly, ao3 has changed me. I was so used to wattpad's pureness that reading fic's from ao3 I was like ohmygodohmygodohmygod this is dirty. Now I'm just used to it.

Back to my book, I've written 66 pages so far. Proud of myself. I got a typewriter so I can't overthink and try to erase everything. I don't think I will be writing any other official books on anything else. The papers are getting so thick it's very satisfying.

But yeah that's what I have been doing. This really is a rambling mess but I don't care I feel like I haven't talked to you in forever I miss you all.

And uh give me compliments so I feel motivated to rewrite this book.
or constructive criticism, I really appreciate that too.

I also have a ao3 my username is divine mythopoeia. So uh I'm there if you want future not YouTubed related fics... probably supernatural because I really am delusional and stuck in 2014/2016

update: it's 2 hours later after I published this and omfg guys I was going through all the files on my computer and deleting all the shit from the previous school year and I just found amongst so many random Microsoft word documents a draft of chapter thirteen of Here is Home. Chapter 13 is where Preston returns from Stanford for winter break and sees everyone for the first time in like three/four months.  Of course Lachlan wants to jump his bones but they get interrupted because I'm apparently incapable of not interrupting them. It was something with Lily and a Christmas present for Ruby I think. He comes back after awhile and the last line of the chapter is
"where were we."
But, and I genuinely forgot I wrote this, on the Microsoft word document this continues. It's their first time having anal sex.. which is honestly funny to me because I was rereading the book and I was wondering when did Prestom and Lachlan went from aggressive humping and handjobs to just anal sex with no mention of it being a first time because I know it's something I would at least mention it. AND I DID.
Should I insert it into chapter thirteen?