I remember you better than you were.
The one night escape and sleeping next to you
The love letters
The skipping down hallways to your laugh
Sometimes it's like you were admiring my brain
As if you were performing a dissection
Key hole surgery through my eyes
You looked at me as if you could hear my mind working
The uncertainty drew you closer
A need to be the subject of my curiosity
Suggested hint after hint of how you wanted us to be
The utter safety in that nurturing
No fear of being anything I was
There was just something about your type
An asymmetry
An aura - a feeling - an aesthetic
To the way I felt with you and only you
Maybe a part of me wanted you to see the cruelty and to love me more for it
And I think you would have
And that's why you hated me for taking away that chance
But if I want you to understand anything
These things don't make sense
They make us sick
And the part of us that wants to get better
You can't find it anymore
And you need these things inside you
But telling people means help
Means getting better
And that's the last thing you want to do
I couldn't tell you about the brute force
You would have taken him away
I couldn't tell you about the conditional love and the door slamming
You would have made me hate him less
But mostly
I couldn't tell you about me
You would have tried to stop me
And doing it was the only way anyone was ever going to really love me.
Including you
