letters to no one

dear world,

i cry at night knowing somethings i could have prevented, i cry knowing that there were things i regret not doing in order to make today a better day.IM IN SO MUCH PAIN, BUT LIKE PHYSICAL PAIN, I FEEL EMPTY EMOTIONALLY. ITS LIKE I HAVE NOTHING INSIDE ME, CRYING FOR HIURS ON END WONT DO ANYTHING THO. I JUST FEEL LIKE IM SUCH A DISAPPOINTMENT. EVERYONE WXPEXTED SO MUCH OF ME BUT I JUST CANT ANYMORE. IT ISNT WHAT I WANT ANYMORE. I WANT TO FEEL NORMAL. EVERY DREAM I EVER HAD, A NORMAL PERSON COULD ACHIEVE THEM BUT NOT ME. EVERY DREAM J EVER HAD WAS PUT AN INCHE PUT OF MY REACH SO THAT I CANT ACHIEVE THEM AND THAT JUST HIT ME HARD BECAUSE NEXT YEAR WE PICK OUR PPTIONS AND I JUST REALISED WHEN LIDTING THEM IN MY HEAD THAT I WAS REIMAGINING WHAT I WOULD HAVE DONE IF THAT DREAM WASNT SNATCHED AWAY FROM ME. AND I COULDNT FIND ANY SOLUTION. NOT ONE, AND I HATE NOT HAVEING A SOLUTION. SOMANY THINGS IN MY LIFE ARE QUESTIONS THAT AT LEAST MY FUTURE SHOULD BE FACT- HENCE WHY I ALWAYS PLANNED MY FUTURE- BUT NO, NOT FOR ME. EVERYTHING I WONT CHANGES BECAUSE THE UNIVERSE DECIDES I JAVEMT SUFFERED ENOUGH, THAT I HAVENT TRULY FELT PAIN. YET HERE I AM IN SO MUCH PAIN I AM COVERING MY MOUTH TO STOP THE WHIMPERS BEING HEAD AND TEARS SYREAMING DOWN MY FACE, MAKING ME FEEL SICK AND GIVE ME A HEADACHE. THIS IS UNLIKE ANYTHING I HAVE EVER FELT AND THAT IS PUTELY BECAUSE I FEEL NOTHING. AND I HAVE NO WHERE TO GO. I NEVER DO. I AM STUCK TO FIGHT MY BATTLES ALONE BECAUSE THERE IS ALWAYS SOMETHING MORE IMPORTANT. I CHOOSE TO FIGHT MY BATTLES ALONE BECAUSE I DONT WANT TO WORRY ANYONE. I KNOW PEOPLE HAVE SUFFERED AS MUCH AS I HAVE AND I DONT WANT TO BURDEN THEM WITH MY PETTY LITTLE WORRIES AND EMOTIONS. SOMETIMES I WONDER IF EVERYTHING WOULD BE EASIER IF I DIDNT FEEL AT ALL. JUST HOW I DO NOW, I JUST FEEL EMPTY THWRE IS NOTHING THETE BUT A DEEP BLACK VOID OF EMPTINESS OF WHICH IS ONLY SADDNESS. I MAY SEEM HAPOY BUT MOST OF IT IS JUST PRETEND MOST OF WHAT I DO IS. I PRETEND TO BE THE PERFECT GIRL. I PRETEND TO BE THE IDEAL STUDENT. I PRETEND TO BE THE HAPPY, HEALTHY GIRL EVERYONE KNOWS. BUT IN REALITY NO ONE KNOWS HOW I REALLY FEEL. THEY ALL THINK THAT THE POEMS I RIGHT IS BECAUSE SADDNESS IS THE EASIEST EMOTION TO WRITE BUT NO. THEY ARE AN OUTLET FOR MY EMOTIONS, THE SAME WITH MY ART BUT I COULD NEVER TELL ANYONE ANY OF THAT. THEYD SAY IT WAS FOR ATTEMTION OR THEYD BE OVERLY CONCERNED AMD WORRY CONSTENTY. I WOULDNT WANT TO PLACE THAT BURDEN ON ANYONE. SO I CHOSE TO PRETEND UNTIL I GET INTO BED AND BREAKDOWN.

i am aware this is partially written in caps because i copy and pasted from my phone, but yeah this was something i really needed to get off my chest, XoXo