Mahabharata Katha

1. Remorse

"Krishnaa-aaaaa!"

Yudhishthira woke up from his worst ever nightmare, panting as heavily for breath as his heart was going to burst out of sheer grief. Bathed with perspiration, his entire body was shivering in fear, pain and hatred for himself. Exactly the same what he felt one month ago, in the assembly hall of Kurus.

Time could not heal him. One month had passed, but the memory of that fateful day was still haunting him every single night as if it was happening all real again and again! The wound in his soul was too severe to be healed. Every time he closed his eyes craving for a little comfort, the scene of an evil hand dragging his Krishnaa mercilessly by her hair came in front of him, giving him the feeling of his own heart being uprooted from his body. Every time he could hear her cry that shuttered his inner being into pieces!

His sleepless eyes hovered over his surroundings, making him breath a bit easy.

No, this is not the dyuta sabha!

This was not his palace of Indraprastha either. This was a small, humble hut in Dwaita forest which was their current residence.

His eyes rested on a sleeping Draupadi. She lay on the bed of Kusha grass just beside him. In this one month, he could not even meet her eyes, leave alone talking to her! But despite of his guilt-stricken silence, his heart secretly craved for consoling her in his arms, which he could not have done yet.

He shifted his weary eyes to his four brothers who were sleeping peacefully at the other corner of the room. Those invincible warriors had to sleep on ground, earn their daily food by hunting, wear deerskins instead of precious silk, - just because of him! It was his sin alone that made his sinless brothers suffer in this forest for twelve years! It was his sin alone that made his Empress suffer the worst possible humiliation in front of all! Shame on you, Yudhishthira! You are the only one who is responsible for the suffering of all these innocents! Why couldn't you die before taking that wretched dice in your hand?

His soft heart was burning in guilt. He who never had a little disliking even for his worst enemies, loathed himself mercilessly for everything that had happened. Unable to bear with the tormenting anguish, he rose on to his feet and came out of the hut, as if to escape.

But alas, there was no escape! How could one escape from himself? Sighing helplessly, he stared at the dark sky, as he always used to do while in grief, seeking for comfort from his father who lived in heaven.

The bright stars seemed to have stopped shining as before. A piece of cloud covered the smiling moon, as infamy had covered his white character!

"Fie! Fie!" He could hear a chorus, undoubtedly blaming him. Was it the voices of courtiers of dyuta sabha that echoed in his ears again, or the heavenly souls were saying so?

"You have made your father ashamed, Yudhishthira! Your sin has spoiled the glory he had earned by your performance of Rajasuya! Can you forgive yourself for letting his noble soul touched by this infamy?"

"Pita has received infamy!" He mused to himself, "for me?"

"Yes, for you!" Cried his conscience. "You have made true Dharma bleed for the sake of protecting your false belief, your misguided sense of Dharma! There is no one even in the prisons of Aaryavarta who is not purer than you! They have at most sinned to others, but you have sinned to Dharma! You have sinned to the purest love and trust that your brothers, your wife had on you! Those convicts have insulted others, but you have humiliated Krishnaa! Your Krishnaa, your soul, your everything!

"How could you do this, Yudhishthira! How could you forget the oath you have taken once to protect your brothers? Your subjects? Your Krishnaa? How could you gamble them away in front of enemies?"

He sank on the ground, seeking for his last shelter in Mother Earth's soothing lap. Tears rolled down uncontrollably, making the soil wet. From that deathly anguish, only one word came out of his bleeding heart.

"KRISHNA!"

Bearing the pain of heart, O Lord,
I have come to You!
You are knower of every hearts,
You see all, Lord, You know all!
Whom else can I tell,
All my sorrow, my shame,
My wants and my crisis!
Whatever sin I have committed,
Out of ignorance, my Lord,
None but You can forgive it ever!

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Note: Whatever Yudhishthira feels in this chapter is the voice of his own conscience that was heavy with guilt. The words are NOT intended to bash him by any way. I have just tried to show his mental state at that time, as per my understanding.