Property of Billie Eilish (✓)

010

I feel way different today.

I feel more angry than ever. I woke up angry. I checked my calendar, and today makes two months since I left Riley. All because of some fucking spiders. I'm not even scared of spiders.

My fucking brain tricked me again. Right in front of her. I could feel them crawling, and they looked so real. The voices in my head were screaming at me, it was so loud- I couldn't breathe. Then everything turned black, and there was a giant spider. It felt so real.

I'm crying right now, and it's messing up my paper, and that's making me angry.

Life is making me angry. I'm so angry.

I want to go home. Pepper is feeding off my energy too, she's been biting me like crazy. Her teeth are sharp as fuck.

*

"Get off!" I snap, pushing pepper off my arm. My pen falls to SHES AWFUL the floor, and then my journal. I groan and pick them both up, my lip starting to twitch. LIKE CLOCKWORK

LIKE CLOCKWORK

TIME IS RUNNING OUT

LIKE CLOCKWORK

I hadn't even got through a whole page before she started her shit. I wish I had the willpower to make hallucinations disappear.

YOU LOVE THEM

THEY ARE WHO YOU ARE

"Billie, your parents are here to see you" oneFUCK of the nurses say, she smiles at me and offers me her hand. I blink at her andRUN I ignore it, walking TURN BACK towards the visitation room. THEY DONT CARE I see my parents sitting on the couch furthest from the door, and my eyebrow tics. LIKE CLOCKWORK

They make no moves towards me, they just watch as I

Pale. Pale blue lights and water rushing through my ears. The water was pretty, and I was drowning in it. Perfectly still, not moving. My head was silent- it made me scared.

come back. I can't hear you. Too quiet- come back.

My parents were floating in the water beside me, upside down. Seaweed around their necks, arms, bodies tangled in the green plant. Their bodies started to tic, and it made me laugh.

Like clockwork.

Like clockwork

Like cloc-

"-kwork" I breathed out, putting a hand on the wall to WELCOME BACK steady myself. I was slammed out of the hallucination YOU MISSED US so hard it felt like CLOCKWORK I was spinning and the THEY THINK YOU'RE CRAZY walls were moving, waving like a HAHAHA blade of grass in the wind.

"What...What clockwork?" My father says, speaking slowly. TIC...TIC...CLOCKWORK I shake my head and HAHAHA blink a few times, trying to steady myself.

"I don't think she's getting better" my TRAITOR mother whispers. My dad nods, trying to hide it from me.

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG

WE ARE FINE.

"FUCK OFF THEN" I mumble, my voice not sounding like my own. My parents recoil and I clench GET THEM my fists, anger MAKE THEM PAY ripping through me MAKE THEM PAY like a wave THEY'RE ONLY HERE TO HURT YOU and i settle into it, letting it GET THEM wash over me like a warm GET THEM shower.

A shadow runs over- taking my mother GOOD into a headlock and slamming her onto the floor. She screams MUSIC TO MY EARS and her head KILL HER bounces off the tile- she tries to fight it off and fails. The shadow is POWER FEELS SO GOOD too strong. My FUCKER father rips the shadow off my mother at the HAHAHA same moment I feel my sides prickle- and I snap GOOD back into reality.

I snarl and try to get from my father's grip- wanting to KILL get at her more.

*

I want to break the misconception. But I don't think I can. People always assume we're violent- dangerous. I want to do good and be better but that's not my job. I will be the one to prove them right. There's always one that falls into stereotype- and I think that's going to be me.

It's getting harder to function.

Is it wrong? I don't regret what I did, and that isn't good. Makes me a bad person. But this sort of thing doesn't happen overnight. The thing stuck in my chest feels less stuck. What the hell is going on with me?

I can barely write, my whole body is shaking. What is wrong with me? What's going on? I'm already fucking ruined, now I have to be fucking violent? Now I have to worry about hurting people? What if one day I snap and hurt someone close? Like Fin? Like Riley?

Then they'll drag me back here- and they won't let me go. They'll keep me under lock and key. I gotta get out of here. I don't want to be here forever