Property of Billie Eilish (✓)

014

Once we were at Liam's, I couldn't even focus on anything else. I kept wondering about Billie. How was she feeling? What medicine did she take?

I ended up leaving early, standing at the bus stop 15 minutes before school ends. When Billie was gone I missed her, sure, but I had sort of begun to got over it. As soon as I could think about it without being heartbroken- she comes back. And she smiles. And her smile was beautiful, and my stupid, flimsy excuse of a heart decided that we should like her all over again.

She was cute and it made me angry. I mean, not angry at her, but at myself. Why did I like her so much? How can I like somebody I don't know? If I wanted to make her my girlfriend how would I go about it? She was supposed to come over today. I co-

"Why are you pacing?" The familiar voice said from somewhere behind me. I turned to face her and bit my lip anxiously, confused. One moment I didn't care, the next she was all I could think about.

"I-..I'm just..Fuck" I turned away from her and tried to steady myself. This was pathetic. Gorgeous troubled girl comes to school and nearly stabs someone, has an episode in front of me, goes away for a long while, and then bam! feelings have been caught. Billie's hand found mine, yanking me backwards and pulling me into her for a hug.

A fucking hug.

And the worst part was that she felt so good against me. Soft and warm and she still smelled like blueberry. I couldn't help but pull her in closer, wanting more. What the hell is going on?

It made me kind of angry. I wasn't mad at her at all, I was mad at myself. At the time, I didn't understand that feelings don't always make sense. I wish I could go back in time and tell myself that feelings are just feelings, and it's okay to have them. Maybe things would've ended differently if I had just accepted them.

"Is it loud right now?" I asked, pulling away and shoving my hands into my pockets. Billie nodded a little, her eyes a paler blue than I last remembered. That's the thing about distance, too. It messes with memory. I had thought her eyes were more of a sapphire blue, but they weren't. They were pale. It was like someone took a shade of gray and then plopped a baby blue on top. Dull, but beautiful nevertheless.

"It's always loud. The medicine makes them quieter, but I don't want to take it anymore. They tell me it's poisonous."

My whole body shuddered. If she were to stop taking this medicine, she'd be like she used to. Quiet and snappy and- "Where's your journal?"

"Huh? The one you saw? I finished that one ages ago. I go through notebooks really fast, but I don't have one right now because I'm on the medicine. Usually writing is my medicine, it keeps me calm"

The bus rolled up, saving me from having to respond. My chest felt kind of tight, and when Billie took her usual seat with me next to her, she took out her headphones.

"What music do you listen to?"

"None." She frowned "I just wear these so I can talk to...to them without looking crazy. People just think I'm signing along" her cheeks turned a bright shade or red and her eyes got slightly glassy. I realized she was about to cry, and I sort of panicked.

"Hey, no no, it's alright. Don't cry." I pulled her into my side as a few years escaped her eyes. Of course I didn't care that she talked to herself. Different people go through different things and I personally don't mind her being the way she is. I still like her, and if she ever became my... girlfriend.. I'd be as supportive as possible. Even if she didn't want to be my girlfriend I'd still support her.

"I hate living like this" Billie admitted, playing with the rose necklace I had around my neck. "It makes me sad and mad and then other days I feel fine. Sometimes I get hallcunitons where I don't have them at all and it feels so wrong and empty and I end up wanting them back. I think my mom was right. I am crazy, huh?"

"You aren't crazy. You're you. Fuck what everyone negative has to say cause you're an amazing person. I don't really know you too well, but I know you enough to tell that you're awesome."

Billie laughed, wiping a stray tear that fell from her eye. "I like you. I wish we could've spent lunch together. The school counselor had me do my work at her office today to make sure I'm 'okay' but I know her and the principal were checking to see if I'd be a threat."

"First of all, I really like your voice. This is like, random, but you didn't really talk much before and when you did it was really flat, but like, your voice is pretty. It's expressive and it's nice and...o..kay this is getting weird" I chuckled nervously "I like when you talk I guess. I dunno."

"Thank you" she grinned "I like that complement. Keep going."

I laughed loudly, shoving Billie off me playfully. "Shut up. This is embarrassing."

"Nah. You not continuing to complement me is embarrassing. Come onnn." She whined "I need my ego fed."

"Absolutely not." I rolled my eyes, still laughing "Have Siri give you a complement."

"Fuck Siri!" She groans "I kind of sound like Siri when I'm off my meds" she makes her voice get a bit lower "Hello." She frowns, trying to make her voice how it used to be "How does my voice do that? I can't make it go flat like it used to be" she tries again, making me laugh

"You're insane" I say, but then shut up. Billie giggles and shakes her head.

"Don't be afraid to use words like that if you're just playing. I'm not going to be upset with you, stupid."

"You're insane, but you're the best insane person I know"

Billie grabs my hand as the bus stops by my house, allowing me to lead her out. She places another kiss to my cheek before laughing and doing it again.

"Every time I kiss you - you go red!" She sings, sticking her tounge out. "I bet...if you kissed me, I wouldn't get red."

"Nice try, dummy" I roll my eyes, unlocking the front door. As she walks in, I took her face into my hands and left a quick peck on her lips.

And although she swore it wouldn't- Billie's entire face went red.