We All Fall Down

A Handful Of Moments I Wished I Could Change

Chapter 1

Alex moved slowly around the house having not yet woken up properly. He treaded lightly, so as not to wake his parents and started to head downstairs, stopping momentarily to peer into the room next to his own. His stomach clenched as he neared the door and he decided against it; going in there would just make him upset.

He rearranged the assorted bracelets on his wrists and pulled his hoodie sleeves down as he hit the last step. He was stopped short by the muffled sobs coming from his living room. He gulped down the lump in his throat and poked his head through the door that had been left slightly ajar. 

"Mom?" He addressed the snivelling figure on the sofa, she looked up and Alex's heart was ripped in two by the look of pure sorrow in her eyes. 

"Hey, honey," She sniffed, wiping her eyes, "You going to school?"

Alex nodded and gave her a sad smile. He couldn't remember the last time he had actually smiled properly.

"Have a good day, sweetheart," She said in a tired voice as she caught her son in a warm embrace. Alex felt the trickle of a hot tear run down his cheek and he wiped it away before jumping up and heading out of the door. 

He walked with his head down, his backpack slumped across his shoulders and his iPod playing blink-182 on full blast to block out the rest of the world.

When he arrived at school, he could feel the eyes of hundreds of kids - who couldn't have cared less before - showing sympathy that Alex didn't want or deserve.

When the bell rang, Alex slowly made his way to his home room and took a seat at the back while the other kids piled in. He was sat alone as usual. As the register was being taken, Alex pulled out his notebook and began to write.

He loved writing songs. Music was his only escape from all the shit in the world.

He looked down at what he had written. The song was called 'Lullabies'. It was about his brother.

'Make it a sweet, sweet goodbye, it could be for the last time and it's not right, don't let yourself-'

"Hey, faggot!" Alex looked up just as a big ball of scrunched up paper hit him in the face. He decided not to react, this dickhead wasn't worth his time. 

"Hey, emo scum, I'm talking to you!" Another, bigger ball hit Alex in the face, and this time he looked his tormentor in the eye.

"What do you want, Andy?" 

Andy had bullied Alex since he moved from Essex to Baltimore; Andy and his friends would take the piss out of Alex's English accent, that was one of the reasons that accent had disappeared astonishingly quickly, but the bullying hadn't stopped.

Andy made his way over to the table and before Alex could react, he took the notebook from Alex's grasp. 

"What's this then?" He asked, scanning the pages.

"Give it back, asshole!"

"Oh now, Gaskarth, is it 'asshole' or 'arsehole'?" Andy mocked in a put on British accent.

"Ha, ha, very funny, now give it back!" Alex lunged for the book but Andy just held it further out of his reach. 

"Aw, look! Little Gaskarth misses his big brother!" Andy spat, referring to the song in the notebook, "Well maybe if your brother wasn't such an emo, he wouldn't have-"

"Andrew!" Mr Cookson's voice cut through the air like a knife and Andy turned, still holding the notebook, "Please give Mr Gaskarth his personal belongings back or you'll go to the headmaster's office!" 

Andy tossed the book back onto Alex's desk and stormed back to his seat,

"You're only being nice to the little runt 'cause his brother topped himself!"

The whole class released a loud gasp and watched in stunned silence as Alex ran out of the room, tears blinding him. 

No matter how hard today gets, Alex told himself, you have to stay in school. He couldn't bare to go back home; his family was a mess and he didn't now how much longer he could take it. 

All day, kids stared and pointed at the boy who's brother had killed himself. People that had never talked to him before came and offered their condolences but they meant nothing to Alex; they couldn't bring his brother back.

Alex spent his last period in the toilets, choking back tears; everything was so fucked up now! 

After what seemed like an eternity, the final bell rang and Alex was about to leave when the toilet door swung open and Andy entered.

"Look what we have here then," He said with a sly smirk,

"Look, I just want to go home!" Alex whined, attempting to pass the bully. 

"Why? So you can go and cry with mommy about your scumbag brother, he deserved to die, the emo cunt! I always said he should-"

Alex's fist connected with Andy's jaw and they both jumped back in surprise, Oh fuck! Did I really just do that?

Andy's eyes glistened with rage and before Alex knew what hit him, Andy released a strong right-hook that sent him flying through the air. Andy took one moment to admire his handywork before spitting on Alex and leaving the toilets.

Alex ran home as fast as he could, he would have cried but he had no more tears left in him. He burst through the front door and sprinted up the stairs, taking them two at a time. He crashed into the bathroom, throwing his school bag on the floor and looked at himself in the mirror.

He slowly removed his hoodie and took away the bracelets to reveal the mutilated skin underneath. His hands shook as he ran his fingers along the raised flesh. He had only done those cuts the night before. He'd been cutting for weeks but no one really cared. 

He reached for his razor blade - the only thing in the world he could count on to always be there - and held out his arm. The blade felt smooth against his skin and he welcomed the pain as he pressed down on it. He smiled at the feeling of blood dripping down his arm and thought to himself how strange that this was the only way he could feel better about himself. 

After a few cuts, he decided that was enough. He reached for a bandage, wrapped it around his arm, sealing the fresh cuts and then proceeded to nurse his bruised face.