Her

38 | Jennie & Lisa

JENNIE

There is this thing we call hate.

It's a strong dislike of something or someone – an intense hostility that is usually deriving from anger, fear or some sense of injustice. For a while, I thought I hated Lisa. When we were younger, she was the little girl that can't draw a circle and be mistrutful around strangers.

She was just... careless.

Happy and friendly with every kid in this shitty town. She made me feel insecure about my shyness because she was the new girl from Thailand that already made few friends in one single day. I was jealous of her and it was not healthy at all. I wanted to be like her, a funny kid whom everyone want to be friends with but I couldn't.

I was too shy to maintain a simple conversation with someone. My parents didn't care about me having no friends. They only cared about my marks and my looks.

I can not be a rebel. It would be a dreadful sin and a true treason for them.

At that time, Chaeyoung was my only friend. I was fine with it. Loneliness was something that became a habit for me. I was used to be alone in my house while my parents were travelling.

I never told Chaeyoung about my relationship with my parents but deep down, I know she guessed that I was not close to them.

The moment when Lisa talked to Chaeyoung and they suddenly got along very well, something broke inside of me.

I was mad and... scared.

Now that she met someone new, I was afraid that Chaeyoung might leave me too.

Lisa has a lot of friends because she is pretty and nice. She doesn't care about her reputation and that's make her even more charming. She seems natural when she is talking to anyone and she likes to joke around.

I am not blind. I know why everyone likes Lisa.

With all my heart, I used to despise her but now, here I am, foolishly in love with her.

"Jennie, can we talk ?" Lisa calls me with her sweet voice.

She has an unreadable gaze but I can feel guilt in her voice. I want to look at her, hug her, kiss her but I can't do it. It would be insane. I have to keep those feelings to myself for the best. She has a girlfriend and I would never break a couple.

She loves someone and it's not me. My throat clenches at this thought but I ignore it by looking at the door.

"I don't wan't to talk to you."

Because I don't want to cry.

"Are you alright ?" she casually asks me.

"I'm fine." I lie.

This... fucking hurts.

"You don't look fine tho..." she hums under her breath while tilting her head. 

I gather all the courage I could take to leave the kitchen, ignoring the throbbing of my heart. How the world did that happened ? I feel like I'm on a dead-end. She has an effect on me that terrifies me.

"Wait..." she says in a low tone, almost like a whisper.

She grabs my wrist and I turn to her with wide eyed. My gaze softens instantly when I look at her gorgeous features. 

I wish she could be with me.

"What do you want ?" I ask her, trying so hard to be cold.

"That night... you said you love me, it was true ?"

Of course, I was honest. And I was hoping she didn't heard me because now that she has a brand new girlfriend, I feel dumb.

"No," I lie – once again.