TRIGGER WARNING: THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS SCENES OF GRAPHIC SELF HARM AND SUICIDAL THOUGHTS.
I couldn't think. I couldn't breathe. I felt like an inanimate object until my body begged me to come back to life. It was the first time I self-harmed in months. Feeling the tear of my skin and watching the blood pour out of me, I was numb.
I had cut deep enough to leave scars. My train of thought was that they would display the ones hidden inside of me. I only ever cut on my thighs, where no one could ever find them. I never showed enough for them to be visible. I never wanted to have that conversation.
I was going to continue when there was a knock at the bathroom door. My younger brother, Jojo, was asking to use the bathroom so I rushed to put everything away and clean myself up. Getting up, I was weak. My legs trembled as blood ran down it. I felt lightheaded, but before I could make him suspicious, I decided to wash it with water and put my pants back on. It was painful.
It had been a few days since I returned to school. Or more than a few. I couldn't remember. I had felt drained more than ever.
I played 'Take Me or Leave Me' for what must have been the hundredth time. No matter how lost I am in life, I've always tried to set an achievable goal for myself to somehow keep going. And right now, that goal was to get my lines down for this musical scene. The arts have always been my favorite.
I've always been in love with creating things with no boundaries or limits to what I would love, and the arts has always helped me express those creations. My creation this time was the portrayal of Joanne.
Just as I was singing the end of my lines, I got texts from my ex, Emily. She was concerned.
Things between Emily and I were complicated to say the least. She had broken my heart and left me twice, but this time she ended up with another person. A boyfriend. Although we weren't together, for some time we kept each other close. We had been together for years, so it was a bond that was hard to let go of. She always gave me mixed signals about our status while with her boyfriend in the beginning and it genuinely hurt to stay around her sometimes. I'm the type of person to be in denial when someone is hurting me. I turn blind to it because it's easier than accepting it.
Just as I was texting Emily back, I got a Snapchat notification. I opened it because it was from my scene partner, Alexis, which intrigued me.
"You wrote all of that?"
This was our first time having a conversation through text. I had forgotten what we were talking about at the time so I had to give myself a minute. I then remembered that I had sent her a promotion of my newest song then. I debated with myself as to what I should reply with but ended up with:
"Yea I write all the lyrics to my songs, why?"
"That's impressive, wow. I didn't know you make music"
From there, we ended up texting an entire conversation. We talked about art and our scene. I remembered to text Emily and reassure her that I was okay. I thought to myself that I was definitely okay in that moment.
