Her Lie I Tried To Believe

Chapter 14

I don't know why nor when, but I decided to run. I ran frantically to that motel room. I had this ominous feeling... Why did she lie to me? And how? Her roommate... to my question, she answered me this: "What the fuck!? Prostitute?? Is this some kind of sick joke or something? Sorry... I don't know who you are, but Cass isn't that type of woman, okay? And you won't make me think otherwise! Now if you'll excuse me!" Cassandra isn't a prostitute? But that can't be. I've seen her work. She never denied it. Why would she try to make me believe so...? I need to speak with her. But how can I even confront her? And why did she lie to me!?!? I feel anger well up inside of me. I know... I'll ignore her until she can't take it anymore. And when she does, I'll force her to tell me everything. The best way to make her suffer without hurting her. She's so dependent on me, she won't be able to bear it for long. Soon enough, she will tell me everything, and then she'll ask me to forgive her... with this way she always asks me everything. Those eyes, that smile... her lips... her everything. I'll accept, of course. But she will feel indebted to me... that's when I'll ask her. That's when I'll ask her to marry me. Why did I try to separate us? I don't understand anything anymore. Why did she lie to me!? Why am I this way? Why am I scared?

At last, I'm in front of that door. I'm about to open it when I notice something strange. A bag. A plastic bag is enveloping the door's handle. I almost rip it off, but stop midway. Maybe there's a reason why it's here. Also, I have no time dealing with something so annoying. I open the door with the bag still on the handle. I look down. I need to ignore her. You can't ignore her, you love her too much. I need to ignore her... I...

I walk extremely slowly until I'm in the middle of the room. For some reason, I start trembling. That's when something on the table takes up my attention. I reflexively fixate it. Wha...? It seems it started raining. There must have been holes in the shitty ceiling since it started leaking on the table of all places. 'I'm sorry.' I almost hear her. But I don't want to hear her. This is fake. 'I lied to you.' A noise. An annoying noise. As if someone slowly opened and closed a badly oiled door over and over again. 'But I did love you.' I see her move from the corner of my eyes. But I don't want to see it. I must ignore her! 'I loved that boy who, in third grade, had difficulty running as fast as the others. I loved courageous little boy who, in front of the whole class, declared he would one day run faster than every one of them. I wanted to encourage that boy. But it seems the means I used to encourage him rubbed him the wrong way. Soon, he became cold to my words... and even my stares. I realized that the only way to be accepted by that boy was to look at him in the same fashion he did to me. So, soon enough, I learned to hate him as much as he hated me. Even though I loved him... So I gave my everything. I wanted to answer that boy's feeling with my own. Soon, he became my whole world.

I existed solely to beat him.

I existed solely to take things away from him.

And for a time, it lasted. But I was noticing it. I was noticing the fact that he was creeping closer and closer to me. Obviously taking things away from someone means you also accept things to be taken away from you. In less than a year after graduating from elementary school, he was beating me at running. Even though I was running every night. Even though I passed most of my weekends practicing... He beat me as if it was nothing. It was extremely frustrating. I was supposed to be happy about it, wasn't I? I mean, wasn't it exactly what I wanted for him? Yet...

He became popular. The ace of the basketball team. He was so special, I'm sure he didn't even notice it himself. I was so jealous. But at least I still had something. He was still just a sports person while I was also good at school. Surely he wouldn't be able to take this away from me? But then he quit the basketball team. I loved looking at him play so much... Then I realized. He was coming for that too. He was coming to take this away from me too! But if he takes it away from me, for what reason will he keep on looking at me like he's doing right now? There's none. The moment he takes this away, I will have nothing left to show for myself. This thing that we have together... this rivalry... will no longer exist. I did all I could. I existed solely to beat him after all, and that's exactly what I was trying to do. But there's no way I would actually win! If he sets himself to do something he will succeed without a shred of a doubt! I foresaw my demise long before it arrived. So before it happened, I tried to shake him off a little. We were in high school by that time, and lots of boys would confess to me. I decided to accept one of them. Though I had no interest, I wanted to see if it would affect him. Because if it did, it means I would still have something.

But it didn't. At first, I thought it did, but when he approached me, it was for a completely different reason. It was because he beat me in the midterms. He probably didn't want to accept it easily. But he did... and I had completely given up at that point. He didn't even look at me as a woman. He saw me as a wall to escalate. So I did what was the easiest thing to do. I quit school before the next exams to make sure he never takes it completely away from me. Before he could escalate the wall. Since he thought the other ones didn't count, I will always be the best out of the both of us if I just retire now... or so went my flawed logic. You see, I didn't lie about the fact that my father had a lot of money. But I did lie about the fact that he lost it all. So, not going to school wasn't such a big deal either way. I could become whatever I wanted. But I didn't want to become anything. I kept on looking at the boy from afar. He had graduated and was now a college student. If I hadn't given up, I would've been right next to him. But obviously, I wasn't. I had given up in order to fulfill the purpose of my existence. And that purpose... it was still not completed yet.

Because I exist solely to take things away from him.

It was fairly easy to approach his friend. And the moment I explained my interest in seeing him again, he accepted quite readily. The night went on perfectly as I anticipated. Soon enough, I was alone with the boy. He had those eyes. Those same eyes he always had. Sad eyes. I tried the best I could to appeal to him. Looking at him mischievously, touching him whenever I could... even tripping for that very purpose. As expected he finally reacted to it. He was a man after all. I almost had him... almost... But he refused me still. I had no idea why... Was I not to his liking? Maybe it's because he still hated me? Maybe it's because I looked too pure... Because I didn't look like a woman still? For the next two years, I tried multiple times over to approach him with the excuse of it being a coincidence and whatnot. But every time he would run away from me, or completely ignore me. Even if I changed the things I wore, or the way I walked... he never looked at me. I was nothing to his eyes. I almost gave up. Then I noticed that sometimes he would get out of his way to go to a certain bar to meet one of his clients. A hostess bar. Instantly, I had the idea. Why not? I knew he sometimes came on a Thursday, so as long as I'm able to work on that day I'll eventually be able to meet with him. And he would no longer be stopped by his guilty conscience, seeing that I'm a hostess of all things... He would surely give in with enough appeal.

I wanted him to look at me as a woman.

I wanted him to want me.

I wanted him to suffer, like he made me.

So I started working at the bar only on Thursday, in wait for him. And, contrary to some belief, I could choose if I wanted to lay with a client or not. On the third week, he finally came. I noticed him right away. And sure enough, I made sure to serve him. I played with my hair, teased him, and smiled brightly whenever I could. He finally cracked. And after that night, I had him. From then on, it was a piece of cake. He was so gentle... too gentle... That was his downfall. I created a story to go along with the fact that I'm a 'prostitute' in order to stir up compassion from him. And on our seventh meeting... I even beat my own self up to make him react irrationally. That's right. Since the very beginning, it was all my fault. I manipulated him... played with him, and planned this whole ordeal. I'm so disgusting. Then he brought me to Las Vegas. Every time he would disappear for one minute or two, I would start up a conversation with complete strangers. All of this to make him jealous. And it worked more often than not. Then I even dropped a business card on the floor... a fake business card... and he was pissed. He shouted at me and drank himself to sleep. And while he slept, I hit my head on one of the walls... just so that he could think he's done it himself. And just now, he said it to me. He said that he loved me.

I made him love me.

A gentle boy... And I exist solely to take things away from him.

How horrible I am.

Let him wish we never crossed paths on this world.

I took away his job, took away his girlfriend... almost took away his life.

Now, let me take away his love.'

I crush the paper in my hand. Frustration, sadness, anger, like I've never felt before... The rain has now become frantic... I can longer control the tears and screams that leave my body. I look at her. She's moving ever so slightly. But this movement is out of her control. It's the fault of this damn cord...!! The cord that's tied around her neck. There are so many things I need to tell her. So many things I want to tell her. But only one comes out of my mouth.

"You stupid liar."