Seeing In Black and White -Ineffable Husbands-

What They All Say

A/N: Hello! Aw thanks so much for reading this. I decided it was around time I did a full length Ineffable Husbands fanfic. Now this is angst, so if you're triggered by mentions of neglect, blood, mentions of violence, and all that stuff just be aware that this will have it. It's your choice to read it, so be safe. Enjoy reading!

Aziraphale stared at himself in the mirror. His wings were incredibly dusty and had quite a few cocoa stains. The filth had collected over the decades. It was exactly a week ago that all the angels in Heaven and on Earth had got together for their yearly wing cleanings.

Aziraphale did miss the days where he'd sit with groups of other angels and they'd clean each others wings. They'd all try to find the best soaps and use the holiest water. It had been centuries since Aziraphale's wings had even been soaked in Holy Water. He'd do almost anything to be allowed back into Heaven, just to see if any of the other angels would accept him enough to help him clean his wings.

Unfortunately nobody wanted him, so he'd have to figure out a way to do it himself.

He supposed there was nothing wrong with trying to clean them in the shower. It went pretty good at first, but when it came to the actual washing Aziraphale struggled. He didn't mean to pull out as many feathers as he did. Everything he tried to do made things so much worse.

So much worse.

Blood soaked his wings and skin. He couldn't help but look at the crimson liquid running down his body. His trembling fingers traced the lines of blood and water from the still running shower. The rivers of red ran across his shoulders and down to his stomach. He sighed, "Help me," before falling to the floor. He sat there and bawled. He screamed at the top of his lungs. He begged for something to change.

It was in that moment he began to truly hate something about himself. He glanced down at his stomach. He sniffled, "No wonder they don't want me. I-I-I'm fat... and terribly emotional. Oh why would anyone want me?"

He wished he could have just miracled himself to be skinnier. He wished he could have miracled all his feelings away. He wished he could have miracled himself nice, healthy wings. He was quite stuck with everything though. There were things he wasn't meant to get rid of through miracles, and then there were some things that he wasn't meant to get rid of at all.

He closed his eyes and sobbed, "I wish I was better."

He wanted to be better. He wanted it more than anything.

On the other side of the door, the demon Crowley was just walking past. He had just returned with the angel's favorite chocolates. They all hit the ground with several thuds the moment Crowley heard Aziraphale's cries.

The demon snapped and the door opened. He found Aziraphale in the bathtub. The shower was still running, but Crowley didn't hesitate to pick up his angel. He whispered, "Oh Aziraphale, what did you do?"

Crowley sat on the floor and held Aziraphale close. The angel sobbed, "I didn't mean to pull out that many feathers."

Crowley looked over Aziraphale's wings. He shook his head and said, "You did more than just pull feathers. You tore up quite a bit of skin. Angel, you're delicate. You can't be doing this to yourself."

Aziraphale sniffled, "But I just want to look just as nice as all the angels."

Crowley wiped a tear away from Aziraphale's cheek. He asked, "Aziraphale, who made you feel like this?"

Aziraphale responded, "Nobody, it was nobody."

Crowley sternly said, "I don't believe it. Tell me who, angel."

Aziraphale hesitantly mumbled, "It's all of them."

Crowley kissed Aziraphale's forehead. The angel closed his eyes and cried, "I just want to be like the rest of them. I'm a terrible angel Crowley, absolutely terrible. Why would anyone want me? Why would you want me? You're a demon."

Crowley said, "Look at me, Aziraphale. They're wrong. You don't need them, and you certainly don't need to be like them. Trust me on this angel, trust me. I love you."

Aziraphale mumbled, "You're a demon. I can't trust you. More than that I can't believe that you actually love me. You lie. It's hereditary."

Crowley whispered, "I'd never lie to you. Don't believe that it's hereditary. That is the lie. You know better than anyone that I used to be an angel."