things I randomly write

a part of my story

I remember when I was young wishing to be older. To be a teen. My sister always told me that when I became 13 she would stop treating me like a kid. Finally the numbers 1.3. Where on the birthday cake. My sister stopped treating me like a kid like she said but the she treated me like a whore and a slut. Like I was unwanted.

She told me to kill myself. She threatened to kill me. She blamed everything bad that happened in her life on my birth. I felt like shit. I believed everything she said. Now I'm saying wtf was I thinking. Goddamn. Let me be 3 again.

Sometimes during the night I look up at the ceiling and pray to a god I don't believe in saying "why the fuck do u put me through this shit. Im only 14 wishing to be dead. Wishing i was someone else. I got a dad who was never their, mother who cares but is to busy working, trying to pay the bills, I got 2 sisters who wish I was dead, both bitch at me like everything is my fault that their lives are in the wrong direction. Wtf did I do to deserve this. Dont I derserve happiness? Let me Just lay here while u take my last breath away"

Yea. I got a bf now his name is Will. He cares for me and is always their. But when he goes to sleep. I'm always restless just thinkin all those things. The voices in my head , tell me its gunna get worse. Dont keep trying. Just keep dying.

Will, he tells me "don't listen to em honey I promise it'll get better" I believe him for a moment but I can't help It. Those voices get to me man.

You don't know what its like to be afraid of ur own father! No I don't mean afraid that he's gunna hit u I mean afraid he's gunna rape you. Caught my father recording me takin a shower! Age 13 I was scared like shit. I kept my mouth shut til recently now my mom n dad are divorcing. Sister says I'm lying! I don't joke about that shit.

I'm at age 14 still havin all these problems. Still wishing, still hoping, ill be gone before to many people recognize me. God just take me.wait. god? He ain't their for me he was never their. If u got a problem with me not believing in him. Go the fuck away. I'm tired of all the hate. Tired of all the drama. Tired of everything.

Dont think I'm blaming ur god for all of this. No. I'm just askin him why. But I'm not gonna get an answer. I'm not pure of heart. I got no soul, just a mouth, and a voice that kills so hear me murder , hear me shout. In the end it'll be me against the world. And ill be the one to leave.

Leave this world and just be a small memory. Just the girl in the background that no one remembers. The girl that maybe had a couple friends. But I was always the 3rd choice. Just a girl to make the crowd behind u look bigger. Your more important u should live longer. Sorry I'm leaving the crowd tired of being in the background, I'll for now and longer be known as the loner. The one girl band.

I've never had wings , I never could fly, I've always been stuck on the ground. Walking , at my own pace , I've never been fast , I can never win a race. I got this beat in my chest. But is it the heart or just in my head.