10 Days Before I Meet God

The Cancer

As far as I can remember, I used to weigh 50 kilograms. Now, I'm down to 43. The weight loss is undeniable. Every time I look in the mirror, I see someone different—bony, fragile, with a frame that now resembles Maleficent's—sharp cheekbones, sunken eyes, and my collarbones starting to protrude like they've never done before.

I barely recognize myself. I look pitiful—like someone slowly fading. And what's worse, the symptoms of my illness have begun to show, one after the other.

Chest pains. Difficulty breathing. Abdominal aches. Fevers that come and go. Swollen lymph nodes in my neck and underarms. Each sign adds to the fear growing inside me—fear that this isn't just a phase, that something deeper is eating away at me.

I tried to soar—to rise above it all—but I always end up crashing, again and again. And one day, I know, I won't get back up. Maybe that day is near—when I'll finally be buried, six feet under, where the pain can no longer reach me.

At sa lahat ng pinapakita ko kay mama at papa, sa lahat ng inasta ko sa kanila, hindi nila ako iniwan. Sukong-suko na ako pero sila, laban parin sila ng laban. However, I don't know what they are trying to fight for.

"Kuya, ang hirap." halos pabulong kong sabi kay kuya. 

Hawak-hawak niya ang bible niya na matagal ko ng di nahahawakan. I was sitting next to him sa upuan gawa sa kahoy sa may veranda ng bahay namin. My parents were out, nasa kanila naman si Seven at nasa city si Angel. Ako lang at si kuya ang naiwan. 

"K-kuya ang hi-hirap hu-minga." Hinawakan ko ang dibdib ko. 

I can feel so much pressure in my chest.

I might die today. 

And that's all I know because that's all my body said, I don't know how to breath this time. The air I am breathing now is choking me. Then he quickly check me. Dinampi-dampi sa buong mukha ko ang palad nito. 

"God.You're burning." I might burn to hell after this.

"Hindi ako makahinga." 

"Relax! Relax." Binuhat niya ako just like how a groom carry his bride after wedding. But my case it's just like life before death. He was terrified and so do I. Death is so near. I could smell it from here. But my brother still recite a verse from the bible when we were inside his car rushing on our way to the hospital and was chased by death. He remained calm sa kabila ng lahat. The fact that my brother is passionate about his relationship with God and serve Him with his life.

"Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?" John 11:25-26

Do I really believe it?

I once question myself, "How strong my faith to God is?". Eventually, I ended up rejecting and pushing God away. 

The cancer has spread throughout my body in common areas including liver, lungs, and bone marrow.