𝐩𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐨𝐫𝐚'𝐬 𝐛𝐨𝐱. carl grimes

TWENTY-ONE: butterflies

It's daylight now and I still haven't slept a wink of sleep. Not after what I did last night. My family now sees me as a monster and I don't blame them. What happened last night, that wasn't me. It was some kind of force, one I couldn't control. I was just so angry I couldn't stop myself from brutally murdering that guy.

No one has been themselves since last night. Carl scoots away from me everytime I sit next to him, Michonne gives me worried looks, Rick won't speak, and my dad hasn't said much to me after he tended to my arm. I don't know if they're afraid of me or the events that took place. I just want everything to go back to normal. I want to hug Carl, I want to catch up with my dad, I want to make jokes with Michonne, and I want to learn to make snares with Rick.

Sadly, none of that will happen because we don't know what to do with ourselves. I have been sitting here in the front seat of the van since last night. Carl is behind me, sleeping on Michonne's lap. A part of me is a bit jealous of Michonne but I shake it off, I understand why he doesn't want to talk to me.

"Hey. It's not on you" I hear Rick say from outside the car, "You being back with us here, now. That's everything."

I look behind me to see that Carl has opened his eyes and is also listening to what his dad has to say. He quickly glances over at me and I give him a forced smile but he just ignores me and looks back at Michonne.

"You're my brother and you're her father, Daryl. You're family" Rick mumbles to my dad.

My dad breaks the silence between the two, "Hey what you did last night...anybody would've done that"

"No, not that" Rick replies.

"Something happened between both you and Finn. It wasn't you" my dad argues.

"Daryl, you saw what I did to Tyreese. It ain't all of it but that's me. That's why I'm here now. That's why Carl is. I want to keep him safe. That's all that matters." Rick replies.

There's a pause before either of the men speak again. "I understand. I would do anything to protect Finn and Claire but last night I let her down. I couldn't protect her then and I couldn't protect her those first couple of months. Who knows what she faced out there, all alone. I just.."

"Daryl, it's not your fault you weren't there. What matters is that you are here now. You love her and she loves you. She doesn't blame you for what she has had to do in order to survive." Rick responds.

"I'm just worried about what this world is doing to her" my dad replies.

We're back on the train tracks in no time, making our way to our sanctuary. Rick and Michonne are leading the way with my dad trailing right behind them and Carl right behind my dad. Which leaves me in the back with my painful arm slowing me down.

Everyone is seeming to slowly return back to normal. Michonne and Rick are talking up front, my dad has loosened up a bit, and Carl isn't staying as far away from me as he possibly can anymore. I still haven't talked to anyone since last night and it's driving me crazy. God, I wish I had Claire here with me. She would talk to me, no matter what I did.

I feel a single tear run down my cheek and I quickly wipe it off, hoping no one saw but someone did. I looked up to see Carl with his head turned back to me. I force a smile at him but he just gives me a look filled with sadness. He slows his pace so that he matches mine.

"Hey" I whisper.

"How does you arm feel?" Carl responds.

"ok, it was just a graze" I tell the boy.

We walk in silence for a bit before Carl speaks again, "Are you ok?"

"Yeah" I say quietly.

He gives me a "really?" look and I give in. "I'm just so sorry you had to see that last night. I didn't mean to... I just... It wasn't me" I explain or at least try to.

I expect Carl to give me some kind of snarky comment but he just says, "I understand, Finn."

"You do?"

Carl nods, "What that man did to you was terrible. Trust me, when I saw him... do what he did, I just wanted to strangle him. I wanted to watch the life slowly drain out of him. He deserved it."

I look up at the boy in disbelief. Did he really care for me that much? "So you aren't scared of me?"

Carl makes eye contact with me and reaches for me hand. He pulls it up in front of us and squeezes it, "I could never be scared of you, Finn"

I freeze in place which causes Carl to freeze also. I feel tears streaming down my face now and I look at my feet. "I'm a monster Carl. You should be scared" I whisper.

The boy puts his hand under my chin and lifts my head. "Finn, you aren't a monster. The world now makes you do things, things to survive. We've all had to do terrible unspeakable things. I've done things I regret everyday but those things don't define me or anyone." he says wiping tears from my face, leaving his hand on my cheek.

I grip his hand and the butterflies in my stomach go crazy (go stupid ahhhhh). "Carl what would I do without you?" I ask through the tears.

The boy giggles a bit and I can see tears building in his eyes as well. "You'd be fine without me but if I didn't have you... I would go crazy" he mumbles our faces getting closer.

"You're already crazy Sheriff" I giggle.

Our faces are so close now that I can feel his breath on my face but we are interrupted by my dad's voice. "We're getting close." he tells Rick.

Me and Carl instantly jump apart and see Rick, Michonne and my dad all standing, backs to us, looking at something on the ground. Me and Carl sprint up to the group hoping no one noticed we were missing.

"Be there before sundown," my dad adds.

"Now we head through the woods. We don't know who they are." Rick replies.

"Alright" I say trying to make it look like I was there the whole time.

XXX

This was just a short little chapter to talk about how the group has been affected by the traumatic night.

So Carl and Finn are back to being friends or maybe more ;)