The Pumpkining

Part 1

I'm what you call a "basic" girl. I used to find that phrase offensive but now I've grown to accept all things basic. For starters, I prefer leggings. I'm not rich enough to have anything lula-whatever but I do enjoy the stretchy, flexibility leggings offer me. Next, I Instagram food. That's right. I used Instagram as a verb. Every meal I consume has to go on the Gram. Hello? If there isn't pictures did it even happen? I take a lot of selfies, usually with Snapchat filters. I'm seriously so cute as a kitty. Probably the most basic thing about me, honest and for true, is that I love pumpkin spice more than I love most people. I'd drink it all year if I could.

Are you annoyed by me yet? I'm annoyed just pretending to be all of that. I'm sorry to inform you that I, Jeanette Feldman, do not fit into the basic white chic criteria. For one thing, I'm not even white. I rock the all year round brown. I do enjoy some basic things. If I have to wear pants, I'd prefer they be leggings. Buttons and denim just don't feel good. As far as my food, unless it's sushi, I don't usually post it on Instagram. Sushi is the exception because it's art. Even if you don't like raw fish, sushi is beautiful.

The one statement I made above that is absolutely true is that I love pumpkin spice. It's not a joke or a tease. I'd shout it from every rooftop if I could. I LOVE PUMPKIN SPICE! I wish I could say I grew up with it and it has always been a part of my life. Sadly, that is untrue. I was an adult the first time I had pumpkin and I remember it being magical. I remember it the way people remember the first kiss they actually liked. My first pumpkin kiss was blissful. It was the perfect pumpkin pie kissed with the right amount of whipped cream. Each bite was a piece of heaven that I was experiencing here on earth. If you don't believe me, you haven't had the right kind of pie.

It didn't stop with the pie, oh no. Pumpkin and its spices had worked its way into my blood stream so I had to have it in all the ways possible. Have you ever had a pumpkin cheesecake? Has a pumpkin waffle ever graced the presence of your plate? Have you ever consumed a pumpkin spice latte? The pumpkin options are endless. Just when I think I have tried all the varieties something new and exciting comes out. It's in ice cream, yogurts, and cereals. I've even tried in savory dishes. Pumpkin curry is the kind of goodness that will make you cry. I know I did.

I would love to be able to enjoy pumpkin all year round. I would love it because pumpkin is truly one of the things that makes me most happy. I would love to go out into the world and express openly how much I love pumpkiny goodness. It would be awesome to admit that I'm pumpkin sexual. Don't worry. I won't do anything dirty with the pumpkin. I'd just rather be alone with my pumpkin than be with a significant other. (Don't judge. Pumpkin never hurts my feelings.) I can't do these things though. I can't do these things because these are not safe times for the pumpkin enthusiasts. There is only a small window of safe times for us pumpkin heads and now is not one of those times. There are so many pumpkin bullies out there so usually until the first day of fall, I have to stay hidden. Not that waiting until then ever truly protects me. On days like today when the pumpkin makes its triumphant return into the coffee shops and grocery stores, it's hard to hide what's truly in my cup.

Just so you are all aware there are five kinds of pumpkin bullies. 

The first bully is the "too early" bully.

"It's still summer. Put the pumpkin spice down, you pumpkin slut."

The second bully is the pumpkin "virgin".  These are usually people who have never tasted anything pumpkin and really don't want to.

"I just don't get it. I understand having a favorite food or a favorite spice but why the obsession? I love garlic but I'm not going to put it in everything. I'm not going to wear it on my clothes or on my coffee mugs to announce it. Can't you like something without making it your life?"

The third is the "pie only" bully.

"Pumpkin pie is delicious and all but I find it alarming that pumpkin is creeping into my other food. I mean it's pumpkin. It can't be in everything."

The fourth is the "apple elitist" bully.

"I don't know what the big deal is about pumpkin spice. Everyone knows apple is where it's at. Fight me!"

The number five and worst bully of them all in my book is the "anti-pumpkin" bully.

"Pumpkin spice is a disease. A Thanksgiving classic dessert is being abused by basic bitches. There is no reason for pumpkin spice to be in absolutely everything. It's not even good. If you ask me, pumpkin spice is the most disgusting thing ever created. I even heard it causes constipation."

These are the things I've had had to deal with on a regular basis since the pumpkin has returned. It's not enough to tell these bullies that pumpkin makes me happy. It has never been enough to ask them to just leave me alone. I have been ridiculed for too long and I have decided, officially, that I've had enough. This might sound extreme but it's time to call in the big guns to shut down the non-believers.