Echo of the Past

10. Marcin

Translator: Schiotka

Editor: Pasadera, JacquelineMonaie

____________________

A few days later.

I feel as if I'm on a seesaw.

As if one minute I'm one person; the next I'm someone else.

Earlier in life I was guided by my mind, by reason, which I rejected by telling Niv everything that bothered me. Well, almost everything.

When I lost him, my body became controlled by my heart.

But not for long, because eventually... what can I say. I started to think with my dick.

And that split me in two.

Marcin-heart and Marcin-dick.

Ha ha...

My heart....

My heart is almost lyrical, in comparison to the totally unpoetic penis. And I don't care how stupid it sounds.

That part of my body is patient. But it still needs a lot of attention and tenderness.

And believe it or not, it can understand quite a lot.

It knows that I doused the Redhead with my feelings.

I poured into him all that is poisoning him now, just as it was poisoning me.

Because my feelings have never been clean. But I can't help that.

I felt better after I told him everything.

As if someone had sucked the venom out of me.

As if someone had ripped the dark, thin net of heavy fabric off me, through which I watched the world.

Everything became clear and straightforward again.

Almost everything.

Because new thoughts and new desires surfaced.

New needs.

When I followed my mind and heart, I didn't think about my sexual needs so often. And the occasional adventures that took place occurred because of my need to be close to someone. However, when that one element disappeared, my world was overcome by lust.

And yes.

I want to drink him bad.

I want him to quench my thirst.

And this is where I argue with myself.

Because on one hand I want to be with him already, but on the other... I understand that the Redhead needs more time.

It's burning through my brain, and the snake on my neck hisses more often.

I try to sate myself with sweet drinks. I drink them, only to feel even worse.

I turn off my heart when I do it with strangers.

Every day I wonder when it's going to come out. When he's going to notice.

And when he does, if it will ruin any chance I could have with him.

Slut.

A simple slut.

"I run 'cause I can't stop,
My body like a machine
Racing forward without control."*

We haven't spoken much lately. The Redhead is more silent than usual, and I have this feeling that I don't have the right to start a conversation.