Vent🌌

Here's my heart, be gentle

Recently, (legit right before I wrote this) I was on the suicide prevention chat room. I had this really nice lady named Rachel. She made me feel like I was worth something to someone other than my bf. He always comforts me, always tells me when to ignore things, when to just drop it, when it's time to let them have it, heh. But other than him? I am unloved. 

Rachel was really sweet about it. She even cracked jokes with me. But, I have a dark past. My mom is not a good person, and really hurt me, and still does. Rachel made a quote I will not forget. I have legitimate screen shots. 

"Mother is God in the eyes of a child. And when there is no mother, there is no God to look up to." 

I love it. Well, I just got a text from my step mom. 

The same words as usual that hurt more then a gunshot to the head, more then a stab in the back, hell more then heart break and depression. 

"I hate you sometimes! You're supposed to help around this house not cause more problems for me! I can run this house with out you you selfish ungrateful brat!" 

My world is chaos. My heart and mind are scattered. I just don't fucking understand. Why everyone is turning on me. Why everyone is leaving me. Why everyone is ignoring me. Why everyone is leaving me on read. Why everyone...everyone hates me.

Hey, little girl. You never imagined, get a little older? You'll get abandoned.

The world keeps taking, and taking, and taking. I keep getting message after message after message, that it's almost over, it'll get better, 

When? 

When will it get better?! Because it's just been an infinite loop . 

Get hurt, fall apart, start to heal, restart. 

And sometimes

Sometimes

You add near death somewhere in the middle. 

I've been stuck in this loop for 9 fucking years! So tell me, when the FUCK does it get better. Really? 

I lost my happy family. 

I lost my childhood. 

I lost my mom.

I lost my friends.

I lost my interest. 

I lost my real smile.

I lost my beauty.

I lost my school.

I lost my trust.

I lost my emotion.

I lost my dad.

I lost my step mom.

 I lost my school AGAIN. 

I lost my best friends.

I lost my heart.

I lost my girlfriend. 

I lost 1 of my 3 pets.

I lost a friend to illness.

I lost 2 more to suicide. 

I lost my watt pad safety. 

I lost my hate free streak. 

I lost another pet. 

I lost all three of my brothers. 

I lost me.

I lost everything. 

And somehow, I'm still the selfish one. The one to blame. The one at fault. The one who's wrong. I'm still the one who gets told to kill herself. I'm the ugly girl. The fat girl. The useless disgrace of a child. The friendless loner who only has her boyfriend and her pillow. The one who can't open her notifications without being swarmed with anxiety that I got more hateful words that cut deeper then a knife. 

So tell me when the fuck it gets better. 

You know I've attempted suicide 2 times? 

Each time, I was always told it will get better. 

WHEN?! 

Because I've been sitting here waiting for things to get better! I've been working my ass off to be good enough! And I'm still it even close! So tell me. 

How long do I have to wait for it to get better?