What He Made Me

Chapter 16 - Hope, Trust, Forgiveness and Love.

Chapter 16 - Hope, Trust, Forgiveness and Love.

It's been a weak since I last saw Dante, since I turned my back on his pain ridden face after I had taken the only person he truly loves away from him. 

Sometimes whilst I follow Alana around this palace attending dance lessons, dress fittings and getting what I like to call 'princess lessons', I fall into such a gut-wrenching guilt that I really struggle to keep the mask, which i had placed firmly back upon my face when reality had me crashing back down to whatever this world is called, in place.

But I brush away the guilt as soon as I am able, instantly dissapointed in my own weakness. 

The brief closeness that I had experienced with Alana has disintegrated; we hardly talk now. But I prefer it like this, it makes it easier, safer. 

This way there is less openings for events to lead to hurt and pain. This way no-one can find their way through the faint cracks that I know all too well are there.

I've pushed every one of the few friends i'd made here away; and I am better of for it. Even Adrian. I never sought him out to build on the friendship which we had so clearly began. I just nipped that one in the bud, before any real damage could be done. 

Some would feel lonely, sad and may even fall into depression if left in this lonesome situation which I have put myself in. But I find comfort in my solitude; it's my safty-net. 

In doing this, without relationships around to preoccupy me, i've sunk back into my constant wondering, exstensive listening, watching and evaluating of the people around me. Old habits are hard to break. 

I wonder why it is that I haven't become sick yet...I haven't seen Dante in a little over a weak now, surely I should be growing weak and sick, and as so should he. Such as the last time? Maybe the bond was fading in light of the acceptance of the mating, maybe the bond was just fading on it's own, maybe there never was a bond in the first place? 

Okay, so, my wondering gets a bit silly sometimes. I know there is a bond, it is there, and according to Dante will always be there. 

I think about him alot. He seems to find his way sneakly into my thoughts and only after  I realise that once again i'm obsessing and worrying about him, do I at which point quickly change my trian of thought. 

Sometimes I get the urge to peak into his mind. To assure myself that he is alright. But I will sharply slap myself mentally for my lack of better judgement for it's not me who wants to make sure he's alright, who worrys, who brings his many different looks and facial expressions into my head. No. It's her, that stuipid love-sick-teen who I know farewell is just a byproduct of the bond and mating between Dante and I. 

Not my own feelings. 

I always keep my thoughts firmly my own, creating 10ft barriers around my mind to keep him out. 

I woke up this moring, or sunset I should say, with a horrid stomach ache and a dry throat which has utterly suprised me. I didn't realise vampires could get sick. But i've struggled on through the day, following my given schedual whist feeling myself getting weaker by the second. 

At first I thought maybe it was because of Dante's absence but it felt different and, i don't know why, but i'm very sure that he's not the reason for my sickness today. 

I zone back into concusness as Alana bangs her hand down on the table. For the past hour she's been giving me 'Princes Lessons', and on the aenda today was learning the names of the vast aray of different cultlry placed out before me. I haven't really been paying attention though, too lost in my own thoughts.