What He Made Me

Chapter 17 - Doubt.

Chapter 17 - Doubt Is A Disease.

Doubt is a disease, it infects the mind, creating a mistrust of ones own preceptions. It has the ability to call into question everything you ever thought, about someone, or something, maybe even your view of life it's self.

 A conflicted heart feeds on this doubt and confusion. It will make you question your path, your tactics, your motives. 

Never before had I doubted myself. I always had Riley to support this self confidence, we always stood by and commited to the lifestyle we chose to lead, stood by our perceptions of life. 

But she's no longer there to support me. No longer there to tell me that the confidence i have in my own perception is right. 

On the contary, she was now the reason that this wretchen doubt is creating a mad chaos in my mind.

She'd declared that everything we'd ever stood by was wrong. That I should trust, love,  hope. In those few seconds, in which she chose to withdraw her commitment to our conclusions on life, my whole world came shattering down. 

There comes a moment in each of our lives when the control that keeps us sane slips through our fingers. Most of us aim to seize it back...

But chaos by its very definition cannot be controlled. Once introduced, all order and intention is rendered useless. The outcome of chaos can never be predicted. The only certainty it brings is the devastation it leaves in its wake. 

The choas in my mind is a raging storm, picking apart all my perceptions on life. And true to the certainty, once it's finished with me, all that's left is devastation. 

They say grief occurs in five stages. First there's denial followed by anger. Then comes bargaining, depression and acceptance. But grief is a merciless master. Just when you think you're free you realize you never stood a chance.

Devastaion in it's wrost form is that of grief. To lose a life, that is truely the worst outcome of chaos. But to be reminded of this and have the pain stike you once again, being the perosn left behind; this must come as a close second. 

I truely fear that I will never stop grieveing for Riley's life. 

A deep pain begins to throb from my heart, but i stay still, not quite ready to let on my conciousness to the man's whos body I am snuggled up to. 

Absolution is the most powerful form of forgiveness. A full pardon from suspicion and accountability. It's the liberation of a stolen future. A future I never got to see through. My life was rather obviously dramitically changed by Dante's involvement within it. 

Absolution is a washing away of sin. A promise of rebirth and the chance to escape the transgressions of those who came before us. The best among us will learn from the mistakes of the past while the rest seem doomed to repeat them. 

If I manage to move on and forgive Dante, as my sister so wanted me too, would he be amoung those who learn from their mistakes. 

Mistakes. Some would argue, Is what Dante did really a mistake?

To him, i believe that it will never be so. 

I know that in his mind his actions were justified. I know, however, form the taste i often get of his emotions, that the guilt that inhabits him is gut-wrenching. 

Guilt is a powerful affliction. You can try to turn your back on it, but that's when it sneaks up behind you and eats you alive. Some people struggle to understand their own guilt, unwilling or unable to justify the part they play in it. Others run away from their guilt, shading their conscience until there's no conscience left at all.