Drowning

My story

I remember being little and thinking about what would be like to be 16 and a teenager. I'd be on my phone, and my tons and tons of friends on lights. And I'd wear sparkly clothing and puffy skirts. And wear sparkly crowns to school. But this, this is not what I expected. Where did it go wrong. I don't know if it was my fault, people tell me it's not my fault but others tell me I deserved it. Sometimes I believe I did deserve it that it was just some cruel turn of events and I deserved it because in some past life I did something terrible though I'm getting off topic. I can't seem to shake the fact that when I was little I pictured everything be perfect and all I'd be so happy and I'd be laughing and giggling there be no tears and my friends and I would talk about boyfriends and talk about what we got an eye test for a grade. But all I can think about is how my friends are 3000 miles away from me and the friends I had at school left me. And with those evil people did to me and how I can't accept it most days. That's all I can think of End it kills me because I didn't want this. My younger self didn't want this. And it hurts knowing I'm not turning out how I wanted myself to turn out even though I have a lot of time to figure everything out and go where I want to go I just feel pretty shitty because I'm not wearing my younger self wanted me and I feel like I disappointed her and that's not fair. No little kid deserves to be disappointed, not by themselves.