Prince Caspian -Jung Yoonoh NCT

37. I Am Besotted with You

I love him. I hate him. 

Hating him feels disturbingly similar to being in love with him. 

My stomach twists at the thought of him. My heart beats loud and bright, nearly visible through my flesh and my clothes. I lose my appetite. I sleep fitfully. Every interaction spikes my blood pressure to a dangerous high, and I'm always on the brink of fight or flight. My body is out of control. My mind is in tatters. I am consumed, and it scares me.

He is looking at me. His eyes are gentle.

"Do you want to break our engagement? Are you sure this is what you want?"

I say, with as much dignity as I can muster, "I would have thought you would be relieved. You can go around and - and gallivant with all sorts of girls, once you're free of the..." I pause, filled with a rush of self-pity, and say miserably, "arrangement."

His mouth twitches, as if he is amused.

"I'm afraid I hardly have the time to um, gallivant with the girls, even if I have the inclination to - which I don't, I've got quite enough on my plate with you." He sighs. "I've been up to my neck in work ever since the Tokyo trip, and I've got tons more waiting for me at the office."

I can't help feeling a bit guilty - and relieved, to be honest; I had imagined him entangled in bedsheets with exotic beauties, and had never for a moment thought that he would have been bogged down with work. In all my imaginings, he is always in bed, or out of bed, or about to slip into bed; he is always in a state of undress, at varying stages of undress, and there is always a sultry beauty with pouty, flame-coloured lips coiled around different parts of his torso. 

Carey says I have quite an imagination. She doesn't know the half of it.

He is looking at me, his eyes quizzical.

"You really have a pretty low opinion of me, don't you?"

I flush.

"I can read your thoughts, Yiseul. Your face is so transparent." He looks at me through lazy, heavy-lidded lids.

"I happened to see you kissing Rosita less than twenty-four hours after you'd got yourself engaged to me." My tone is defensive.

"I'm afraid kissing pretty girls is rather a weakness of mine. It doesn't mean a thing, but incidentally, I wasn't the one doing the kissing."

 "She...said you love each other and I was a funny child." I stare at my feet.

"Well, you are, aren't you?" he says softly. "And no, there's nothing between us. She is overly dramatic, as usual. She is to be married soon to a respectable suitor, so she won't trouble you again."

"Another arranged marriage?" My mouth twists.

"Arranged marriages are the best formula for wedded bliss, or so the Jungs believe." He shrugs.

"Some choose to marry for love..." I say, a little wistfully.

"What have you done with the ring and the diamonds? Pawned them?" He is looking at my bare finger.

"Oh!" I flame scarlet. "How dare you say that! I...I kept them. I thought we were to keep our engagement a secret." I look resentfully at him.

He sighs again.

"Look, it's for your own good. Do you want paparazzi stalking you and hounding you? I've had my fair share of them, and there's no way I'm letting them get near you."

"Oh." I deflate, and chew my nails.

"You'd better stop savaging those," he says, a smile in his voice. "You're such a child sometimes...I keep forgetting how young you are..."