Prince Caspian -Jung Yoonoh NCT

17. The Forest Fire

Is even Ravenscrag worth this pain? If he attracted me less, I would have dared to be my natural self, to join in his light, flirtatious banter with Chloe, but I know, if I surrender a single inch,  I would be overwhelmed, sucked in, overcome, but by what exactly, I am not certain. Is this love that I feel for Caspian? This inward turmoil, the pounding heart, the catch in my breath, the tremor in my hands, the heat in my cheeks, the awareness of him, his presence, in every nerve of my being -  is this love, or infatuation? All I know is that when those dark, smouldering eyes light on me, a strange, unfamiliar yearning swells in my heart; it grips me, and takes hold of me, quivering into a fever of longing so powerful, so intense, that I am left gasping, my heart pounding, my thoughts fractured, incoherent...

Familiar lines from Tristan and Isolde come to my mind...

        "Let them drink it, let their hands tremble and their cheeks be flame

          As they feel the fatal bands of a love they dare not name 

          With a wild delicious pain twine about their hearts again..."

I have needed no love philtre, no magic draught to cause my hands to tremble, or my cheeks to flame, for all I need is to gaze on him, and at once, my knees start to tremble, and my heart starts to pound. 

He consumes my thoughts day and night.

I am afflicted by a fever. 

And this fever shows no sign of abating...

But I must never acknowledge it, for my loyalty is to Mark. 

But oh, lying down in the shadows and the stillness, I allow myself to dream for a while, to indulge for a moment, and I close my eyes tightly, and he comes to me, whispering in the dark, "Forget about him, that elderly suitor of yours. He can never satisfy you, or your needs..." 

And my dreams would always end with a searing kiss, and a passionate avowal of love and devotion. 

"For I love you, I fell in love with you the first time I saw you on the cliffs of Cornwall, and I have grown to love you more and more each minute of every day. Marry me, Yiseul, and be mine, for you know, as well as I do, that you love me, as much as I love you...It is me you love, not that cousin of yours..."

But the reality is so different.

For one thing, he has never said that he loves me.

He desires me, I think. 

Oh, I am blushing just thinking this thought. 

Desire sounds almost like a dirty word, like the kind of thing girls in boarding schools whisper behind closed doors, among each other, lying in bed propped up against their pillows when the lights are turned out. Perhaps I should say "craves" or "lusts after". But they sound even more decadent. I am giggling, just thinking up the synonyms. 

He is not indifferent to me. His hands trembled, running over me that night when he kissed me by the pond. His heart was beating as fast as mine. His face was flushed. His eyes were burning with heat.

He may desire me, but he does not love me.

I feel a stab of pain, just thinking this.

All Caspian wants is a cheap flirtation. He has conquered Chloe, and he has no interest in her, as a result. 

What had he said? Man's a hunter. He wants that which he cannot get.

The thrill of the chase.

That's what this is all about.