Prince Caspian -Jung Yoonoh NCT

54. Don't Forget Me

"Do you still love me?" he says, in a low voice, reaching out and tucking my hair behind my ear.

"More than anything," I say.

What if I had known all this before he walked away? Would it have stopped me from leaving? Jae. Oh, Jae. I am sobbing, shuddering with my pain, my sadness. He pulls me to his chest and holds me there. "I love you too, Yiseul. More than I could ever love another soul. There hasn't been a single hour in two years that I haven't thought of you." I cry into his shirt. If only I could die right now, then I would never have to live without him, I would just be gone. "Don't cry," he says, gently lifting my face to look at him. "No matter what you say, no matter what happens, I will always love you. You will forever be loved first, nothing will change that."

"There is another man in my life," I say. "Yinho. His name is Im Yinho. I met him two years ago. He is a doctor in Sheffield, England. He sat next to me on a train to Leeds. He is a good, kind man. I told him everything about you. About us. He loves me. He wants to marry me. He is waiting for my answer. That's why I came here. To think. To decide."

Yinho told me that we can stay safe up high or propel off the edge. Yinho tells me that all the time. Yinho, who has taught me so much, and has shown me so much truth about myself. I know I will have a good life with him. I love him. But he doesn't have my heart. You can only give your heart away once, and I gave my heart away to Jae a long time ago.

I altered the course of my life, because I was afraid. I am still afraid. Jae was like a hurricane that swept through my life, stirring up things inside of me that I never knew existed. He is a longing I will never cure.

"It is your choice," Jae says, smiling, his eyes very tender. "Whatever decision you make, whoever you choose, I will accept it. All I want is for you to be happy. All I have ever wanted was for you to be happy."

"There is something else I have to tell you," I say, my voice rusty with pain. I grip my hands tight, my body hunching up, rocking with the remembered pain, dulled now, but still rearing its head on lonely nights, when the longing for him rips into me like a fine-edged dagger. "I had a miscarriage." I look at him, my eyes swimming with tears. "I was pregnant with your child; I confirmed it a week after leaving." The nausea, the loss of appetite, the suspicion, the trip to the pharmacy, the two pink lines on the white marker. The shock, and then the joy. A baby, Jae's and mine, to call my own. The happiness making everything bearable. Excitement taking over the sadness. The cramps three months later. The blood. The sympathetic doctor murmuring, "I'm so sorry."

JAE

She swims in and out of focus as I grasp her words. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I thought it was better this way. I didn't want you to feel obliged to stay with me." She lifts her chin. She is as proud as me. Our damn pride has been to blame for keeping us away from each other.

"Yiseul. Oh, God. Yiseul. Why didn't you tell me?" I am hurting so much I can barely speak. All I can think of is her alone, going through all that alone. How frightened she must have been. How utterly lonely she must have felt. And the loss of our child - I cannot even imagine her pain. For I know how it feels, I am gasping with the pain of loss two years late.

Yiseul, my poor, sweet Yiseul, is struggling not to cry. Her lips move as she tries to form words. "Look at me, darling." She can't. "I love you. I love you. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I'll spend the rest of my life making it up to you." Our baby. Our unborn child. So this is what it is like to have your heart ripped to shreds. I feel a sob rise to my throat.

"Jae. Oh, Jae. Don't cry." I hadn't even realised that I was crying, but I am; raw, harsh sobs, tearing at my body, making it shake, convulse. "God loved our baby more." She smiles through her tears, and I nod wordlessly, as she strokes my face, brushing away my tears with gentle fingers. "I tell myself that when I feel sad. She would have been one year old this January."

"She?"

"I feel our baby was a girl."

"She would have been beautiful. Like you." I press my forehead to hers, our tears mingling together. I caress her wet cheeks tenderly. "Perfect, like her mother." She smiles, a sweet, wistful smile that catches at my heart. Yiseul. Yiseul. Yiseul. I love you. I love you. I love you.

"Look at me, Yiseul. Listen to me. This is our last chance. You and I were made for each other." Her eyes. Oh, God, her eyes. My heart breaks all over again.

"I have to decide for myself, Jae. You can't decide for me." Her words ignite panic and sadness - so much sadness I can barely look at her. I breathe through my nose, her words reverberating across my brain, burning my tear ducts and landing somewhere in my chest, causing such pain, such heartache, I can't see straight.

I did everything wrong. Her leaving. Losing the baby. Suffering alone. Everything. Everything. It was my fault, my fault. I should have tried harder. I should have protected her.

There is one last thing I have to say.

"I love you, Yiseul. You are right. It is your decision, and only yours to make. I will wait for you to make your decision. Take all the time you need." I fight a fresh wave of panic. Don't leave me. Choose me. Please. Me. Not him. Please. Please. I need you. I love you.

"I love you," she whispers. "I will always love you. But I am afraid - "

I am so sad. How many times can a heart be broken before it is beyond mend? How many times can I wish to not be alive? How can one human being cause such a crack in my existence? I alternate between periods of numbness and inconceivable pain all in the span of - an hour? An hour feels like a day, a day feels like a week. I want to live, and then I want to die. I want to cry, and then I want to scream. I want, I want, I want...Yiseul. But, I want her to be happy. I want her to be happy, above all things. And if she feels the other man can make her happier, then so be it.

YISEUL

We have walked a complete round, and we are back where we started, at the wooden bench in the garden. It is dark, and the stars are out.

I look up at him, aware of the moonlight on my face, the tears in my eyes.

"My brave, sweet girl," he smiles, though it is a sad smile. "My darling Yiseul. No matter what happens, promise me you won't forget me."

I am crying, weeping quietly. "Don't forget me either," I say, choking on a sob.

He laughs tenderly. "That would be impossible." He draws me gently into his arms. I have missed him so. I cling to him, crying, my tears soaking into his shirt.

"My little nereid," he smiles and then he leans his head down and kisses me.

When Yinho kisses me, it is an entirely unthreatening experience; a pleasant sensation. I feel safe. My heart chugs along placidly, and my knees remain strong.

When Jae kisses me, I melt. There is nothing else to describe it. Every part of me tingles, every part of me burns. I have missed his kisses. This kiss could be the last real kiss of my life. I cling to the kiss. It is goodbye and I'm sorry and I love you so much, all at the same time. When it is done, he presses his forehead to my own one last time.

And then he is gone.