Pragma // s.b.

41

****

I shoved open the front door, black lines forming on my face from the mascara running down my cheeks. The fire was almost burned out, the shadows cast on the walls of the near dark house. I angrily wiped the tears off my cheeks, inhaling shakily. It was one of those moments when everything hits you at once. The seemingly insignificant things that you didn't even realize bothered you flood to the surface and overwhelm you.

A sob that I didn't realize I had been holding in burst from my lips. I had actually let myself fall in love with Sirius Black. I had let him get in my head, overtake my life. And he didn't even want to be my boyfriend until another stupid guy, who I had never even had feelings for, looked at me.

I thought of Sirius, how he felt so wronged by his family that he didn't even want to go home for Christmas. How his brother seemed to hate him, how he must have felt so alone all his life. Then I thought of Maggie, how she was all alone at the castle. How she would wake up on Christmas morning alone. "I should have forced her to come home with me too", I let out suddenly, my voice cracking. It wasn't fair that I had a loving family that was always there for me, and yet I still took them for granted.

"You okay, sunshine?". I couldn't see him in the dimly lit room, so I didn't bother turning toward him. "Yeah, I'm fine", my voice much lower than usual, the words sticking in my throat. For a moment, silence was the only sound filling the room. Another hot tear slid down my cheek and I wiped it away quickly. My muscles ached with tiredness, and I suddenly wanted nothing more than to feel the comforting weight of my blanket.

"What's wrong", Sirius said, his voice soft. I shook my head and made a move toward the staircase. "The guest room is the second on the right", my voice was flat, "Goodnight". I just wanted to be alone, I just wanted to sleep so I could forget everything plaguing me. "Woah, woah, woah", Sirius reached out and grabbed my hand, "Briony, stop". I shook my head, fresh tears falling out of my eyes.

"Please, tell me what's going on", his voice was pleading. I shook my head once more and removed my hand from his. "Good night, Sirius", I pushed past him and up the stairs. "I can't see you like this", his voice came from below, "Tell me what's wrong". I reached my room, the door knob cool under my fingers. Turning it, I was greeted by the familiar sight of my childhood bedroom.

The string lights I had strung when I was twelve were now falling off the walls. The posters depicting the different types of butterflies were faded from years of exposure to sunlight. My once bright white comforter was now faded, the lace on the corners frayed. I rubbed my face angrily. Why did I always look at things through rose colored glasses? I angrily pulled my sweater over my head throwing it onto the ground, then my leggings.

I riffled through my drawer, tossing aside the jumper that belonged to Jesse that I had stolen before he left. One of my father's old flannels rested at the bottom and I pulled it out by the sleeve. When it was on, I threw my hair into a bun and used the long sleeve to wipe away the excess tears from my face. I really had no right getting this upset. Guys were jerks, it was basically in their DNA. Jesse was just trying to be helpful, but in the worst way possible.

But then there was Sirius. Sirius, who I wanted more than anything to be my boyfriend. Who I wanted to love and defend until the day I died. Who I felt I liked much more than he liked me. The things I felt for him so strong that they made me want to punch my best friend since childhood in the face when he spoke bad about him. I let out a shaky sigh and looked at myself in the mirror.

I had missed a large chunk of hair when pulling my hair up, so a section was falling to the side completely separate from the bun. A thin layer of mascara covered my entire face, some chunks visible in the corners of my eyes. One sleeve of the flannel was bunched up, covered in tears and snot. I let out a laugh. There was nothing more to do at this point. It was silly. Silly how much I cared.

A soft knock sounded on my door. I didn't move. Slowly, the door creaked open. "Hi", Sirius whispered. I looked up, noticing the steaming mug in his hand. "With pumpkin juice, right?", he said, moving cautiously toward me. "Sirius...", I let out, "You didn't have to...". He handed me the mug with a pointed look. "Thank you", I let out, defeatedly. I took a sip, the warm drink seeming to spread from my lips all the way down to my toes.

"So", Sirius tentatively sat on the edge on my bed, the mattress dipping under his weight, "What happened?". I tried to bite my tongue, but all the hurt I had been feeling spilled out at once. "So I'm your girlfriend now?", I spit, staring determinedly down at the swirling contents of my cup. "Oh", Sirius let out. "Yeah", I retorted. Silence. "I'm sorry", he said suddenly. "Yeah, well you should be!", I burst out. I dared to look at him. His face was soft, vulnerable. I didn't care. "I understand if you don't want to be together! But did really have to say that because of Jesse? Do you know how that makes me feel? And then I have to defend you to him and pretend like I'm not pissed at you!".

I said all of this very quickly and without breathing. When I finished, I threw myself down onto my bed. "Is that really what you think?", he said, almost before I finished speaking. "Yes, Sirius. That is really what I think", I squeezed my eyes shut, willing no more tears to fall from them. "Briony Carter, I am in love with you", Sirius voice was strong now, not one hint of uncertainty. "I have been in love with you since the day I ran you over in the hall when we were 11 years old", he continued. I sat up, opening my mouth in shock. "No, let me talk, sunshine", he said, scooting closer to me.

"Ever since that day, I haven't been able to help noticing you. Yeah, that makes me sound creepy, I know", I let out a shaky laugh and he continued, "There has always been something about you. When we became friends, I thought I could never become any happier. Until we kissed". My face was bright red now, I thanked the heavens for the dim lighting.

"I'm sorry I didn't ask you to be my girlfriend earlier, but I was scared. I don't think I'm enough for you and I still have trouble believing you might actually want me". I let out a weak laugh, "I can't believe I've turned the infamous Sirius Black into a melt". He playfully shoved me. "Listen to me, Bri", the grin on his face spreading quickly. "I didn't like the way that Jesse kid was looking at you. He was looking at with the same look in his eyes that James has when he looks at Lily".

My eyes widened and I raised an eyebrow, "Jesse and I have been friends for years. Just friends.". Sirius snorted, "Tell him that". I bit my lip and leaned against a pillow. "It was a stupid thing to say, and I didn't think about how it would make you feel, and for that I'm sorry", Sirius pushed on, "But I'm not sorry I put it out there. I want you to be my girlfriend more than anything".

I felt the previous anger melting away. I scooted closer to him, so we faced each other. "Well", I whispered, "What are you going to do about it?". His gaze flitted to my lips. "Shut up and kiss me", he shook his head, his hands finding my waist and his lips finding mine.