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Day 28: A Song That Makes You Feel Guilty

Day 28: A Song That Makes You Feel Guilty

"Somewhere In My Car" by Keith Urban

I'm driving home tonight, catching all red lights
That's alright cause I don't want to be alone
There's nobody waitin’ there, cold and empty bed
Words I wished I’d said come on the radio
Ooh, oh, oh, and I don't know why I do this to myself

The cool October air greets me as I open my window before clamoring onto the roof, sketchpad and pencil in hand.  Sitting down on the ledge, I lean against the rough brick wall and flip open my sketchpad to a clean page.  I wonder how people would take it I told them that I sketch.

Oh yes, the notorious bad boy Vince Parnell a drawer.

Priceless.

I snort and shake my head at my thoughts.  People are so shallow these days.  So what?  I have tattoos and piercings and I smoke and drink occasionally.  Oh, and don’t forget the rumors that I’ve slept with about half the female population at school.

Please.  Do people not have a life?

I stare out at the woods before me, wracking my brain on what to draw.  It’s what I do when I can’t sleep… which I only every other night.  I sigh as my mind goes to Elle.

Elle.

My innocent, beautiful Elle.

Who isn’t mine anymore.

I close my eyes and lean my head against the brick.  I think of Elle and her smile.  The way she threw back her head when she laughed.  The sparkle in her eyes when she was happy.

Just her.

So then why did I have to go and screw up everything we had?

They said it wasn’t going to work.  She’s too innocent and I… well, I’m not. 

“You were at a party and it got busted for drugs!”

“I swear, I didn’t know there were drugs!  My friend just told me it was party at a frat house!  Besides, I didn’t even do any drugs!  You’re blowing this way out of proportion!”

“That’s not the point!  The fact that you went to a party at a frat house when you’re still in high school is ludicrous!  Did you at least think that were might’ve been drugs there?”

“Do you ever just stop and live?!  You don’t have to be perfect all the time, Elle!  Some people like to let loose for once in their life!”

“You underage, for crying out loud!  If letting loose means getting drunk and high at a frat party, count me out.  You’re not even supposed to be drinking!”

I snort.  “Please, what teenager hasn’t had a drink?”

“Me!  You know what happened with my mom!”

“Well no one’s perfect, Elle.  Not even you!”

Elle rubs her temple.  “I don’t want to fight, Vince.  Please,” she says quietly.

“Do you even trust me anymore?”

Elle shakes her head.  “I don’t know, Vince.  Your parents had to bail you out of jail.  My dad’s threatening to take a shotgun to your head if I don’t break up with you!  And who says love conquers all?!”  She pauses for a moment puts a hand to her forehead.

I’m flabbergasted.  “Love?”

Elle’s eyes widen.  “Y-you know what I mean.”

“You love me?”

Elle opens and closes her mouth like a fish.  “Y-yes?”

I cock my eyebrow.  “That doesn’t sound like a definite answer.”

She clears her throat.  “Yeah.  I guess I do…”  She looks up at me.  “Do you?”

“Do I what?”

“Love me?”

I hesitate.

“Oh crap.  Forget I said anything.”  Elle looks disappointed before checking her phone.  “I need to go; Dad wants me home by dinnertime.”  Elle quickly exits the living room, brushing past me.  A few moments later I hear the door slam shut.

Sitting down, I put my head in my hands, knowing fully well what I shouldn’t said.

The following week we had met up.  Her mascara was smudged and told me in a trembling voice that she was breaking up with me.  Her father was shipping her off to an all-girls school halfway across the country right after the holidays.

All because of me.

I stare at my blank page again.  Elle’s face is still branded into my mind.  Finally deciding, I place the tip of my pencil on the page and begin drawing the face I know I’ll never forget.

Only a rough sketch is drawn until I get to the point where I can barely keep my eyes open.   Closing my sketchpad, I climb back into my bedroom, throwing it on my desk before closing the windows.  Tumbling into bed, I wonder how Elle’s doing.  It’s only been a few months since we broke up, but it feels like it’s been forever.

Kill me now, I sound like a sap.

I groan.

Here we go again.

The next night I sit outside on my roof again.  The rough sketch has transformed into a black and white drawing.  It shows Elle laughing with her head thrown back.

On the bottom, I jot down a short note.

My favorite drawing yet. –V

Climbing back inside my room, I see it’s well past midnight.  I fold the drawing and place it in an envelope before writing her name on the front.

And who says “bad boys” can’t be charming?

The next morning I knock on Elle’s front door, hoping that her father doesn’t come wielding a shotgun.  Stepping back, I hear someone unlock the door before it swings open.  Elle stands before me, a look of surprise on her face.

“Vince?”

“Hey, Elle.”  I reach into my back pocket and retrieve the envelope before holding it out to her.  “I thought you might want this.”

Elle takes the envelope hesitantly.  “Thanks…”

I nod at her as if to say, “Your welcome”.  “I hope you like it.”

“What is it?”  Elle makes a move to open it.

“Wait until later.”  I shrug.  “It’s just something I made a couple nights ago.  It’s really nothing, but I thought you’d like it.”

“Oh.”  Elle blushes faintly.  “Thank you,” she murmurs quietly.  She makes a move to close the door but before she can, I step up to her.

Leaning in, I whisper in her ear.  “They always say that actions speak louder than words, Elle.  I guess I didn’t scream loud enough.”  I press a short kiss to her cheek before turning and walking away.