Poems I write

Trapped

Since I was a kid, I always wanted to be who I was, who I was inside out... not outside in.

I used to be so carefree, so free of thought, not knowing the never ending hatred of the world and not caring about what others thought about me.
Someone says I suck at everything? I don't just let that sink in, I know that I suck at most things and that's the reason why I try, try to be the best I can be.

My innocent self believed that everyone deserves to be happy, that everyone deserves a chance and everyone deserves what they get, oh how I should of seen how wrong I was.

At age six I made friends with this new girl, thinking that she would be nice like everyone else, she was rude, hurtful and mean. No one at school ever got bullied before, I thought my school was nice, at least, it was.

She was great to everyone else, having her insanely stupid smile and warm welcomes towards everyone... except me. I don't know if this was a race thing or how I hung out with all the boys and wore trousers but... she would harass me and torment me. I know, I know this is common but imagine never knowing about how bullying worked, imagine how someone so nice would only be mean to you, at age six, age six!

She would kick me and act rude, yet after it, she apologises and does it all over again, I never knew that this was wrong, all the teachers say that you should say sorry and everything was okay, I was naive enough to believe that. So after all the bruises and hurtful words, she would say sorry, and I would still act modest and nice towards her because I thought this was okay. I thought that after apologising it would be fine, that she didn't mean all those physical bullying and her words of venom.

I always got up to see how nice she was to all my friends, my six year old mind would always think about why she would do this to me? why not anyone else? Is there something so wrong with me that she had to target me? I was the only Asian girl at school, maybe that was why, maybe because my hair was short, I wore trousers and I liked hanging round with the boys, is that really that weird?

Thankfully, that girl left school since she was acting too much of a bully. You would think I was over the moon right? But I wasn't satisfied, I've been acting like a coward, hiding away into the shadows and keeping a low profile. But now, it's different, she's gone now and my undying hatred and anger bubbles over me, how dare she do this to me?!

I took my anger out on the other kids, I bullied them instead to make me feel better. It didn't do anything but numb the pain, the pain of being made fun of for who I was. After being pulled aside by the teachers, I finally realised all the hurt I've caused, all the pain I've spread, I was acting just like the bully who left, I made all my friends feel what I felt. On that day, I realised two things, the world isn't nice and perfect, and number two, I was a monster and how I didn't fit in.

I hated how half the girls at school would sit down on the field and do nothing, I hated the skirts that would be worn. I guess since I was young, my parents never had a problem with that, but now... they say I can't because it's not feminine.

I always had these talks with my friends about how if i could happen to have the chance to turn into a boy,
I would, because I thought that girls where so judged about the way they looked and how it's way more fun to be a boy. But then again, it's the same for boys too.

I feel so trapped and alone, I'm stuck in these walls that I call my body yet every time i look in the mirror, it's all a lie. I can't dress how I want to, I can't act how I want to, I can't do what I want because I'm a girl. Girls can't do this, girls can't do that, girls have to tsp this, girls have to do that, it's sickening and sexist.

I understand that many females feel the way I do, but I can't help but to be so selfish and cruel about this while many others are suffering too.
I hate my body more and more everyday of my life, I hate that I look feminine, that I'm growing these things on my chest, I hate that we should at least have hair that's longer than our neck because it 'looks prettier'.

Society today is still so sexist and and this increases my anxiety, this is always what I picture in my head
if I asked my mum if I can cut my hair like all the other guys, I'm scared that she'll go ask me questions why, and ask me why I like my hair short.
You see, in her country, girls are supposed to act and look like girls so it's obvious to think about what she might say to me when I ask for boy fashion and boy things.

My anxiety makes me loose my mind and cause me to have mental breakdowns, yet I can't shed tears. I can't show my emotion, I just can't, it's as if I was born without tears.
I've just been talking about how others think of me, but what about how I think about myself?
Now I think about it, I'm my biggest judgemental person in my life.

Okay I've said enough, I would usually talk about this in my diary but I don't have it on me and I usually rant about things when I'm upset or thinking about dark things... so yeah, I hope you don't mind me just ranting my thoughts.