Our Words Are Stars

14. Stay

"Do you want to stay a little longer?" He asked. I should've said no. But I guess me, my thoughts and my desires are not synchronized lately. But, honestly, are they ever? I can't recall a single moment of that happening.

So I said yes. There's nothing I could possibly lose.

But, to be honest, that's something I got it wrong: we have always something to lose. We may not consider it, we may not even know what are we losing, but we are always losing something.

Time, for an instance. That I'm sure now.

So he takes my hand and we keep walking. This is not the first time I'm holding hands with a guy, - with someone I like, for the matter- But it feels like so. I can feel it because his fingertips sent jolts of thunder through my hands, up my arms and filling my entire body. I also feel like a stupid robot walking now, which is the most obvious sign that this is just truly... special.

Oh, and by the way... Things I consider special:

1)the excitement I had as a child on the Christmas' morning when I run to the living room to open my presents.

II)when my mom knew I felt bad without saying a word and she came to my room with a cup of tea and ready to watch our favorite TV shows.

III)my grandmother's garden, her stories and her secrets. The mysterious way she used to select her words and keep me wishing for more.

IV)whenever I'm on the stage, any stage, minutes or seconds before I start to sing what I can't express with simple words.

All of those are deep, strong feelings and memories. They are my sadness medicine. They are my strength whenever I forgot I'm a human who might have had (and will have) difficult goals and dreams but who can actually achieve them.

Family, childhood, passion, art, innocence... such amazing, common things we take for granted, and still, they are there. Or could be there... if you look for them.

So why just holding one person's hand for a while on a normal day with the sun about to set and the smell of baked bread and coffee hanging in the air... feels like this? Why does it feel so special?

Just enjoy. I remind myself as we keep walking, not saying a single word yet since he asked me if I wanted to stay. Well, "stay a little longer" were exactly his words. But what if he had asked me just to stay? Stay like this, together, forever? Because I think sometimes a forever could hide between words and meanings.

Nothing lasts forever. Once again, my mind reminds me. My mind, whose name is Juliana, according to my psychologist. Juliana sometimes is like my best friend, and sometimes a deadly enemy who knows exactly how to scare me, questioning every move I make and saying the opposite of what I want.

My psychologist also told me that Juliana is not exactly evil or cruel. She only wants to give me advice, to warn me, even if her reasons are not entirely correct or accurate.

Look at your past, Joane. She says as an echo inside my head. My past. What part exactly? Old, forgotten love, she answers back.

And then, triggered, I remember all the other times I tried to (or that I actually did) give my heart to someone else. Funny how their names barely mean a thing to me now, but the actions, their words, the feelings, the past, the history... all those still matter to me. Like some tattoos I never agreed to have marked on my skin but they are there anyway.

And we all know how difficult and painful is to remove a tattoo. So we keep them, but trying to forget we had them.

And then he squeezed my hand, making me return to the present, not the past memories. His hand didn't do it hard, just a gentle squeeze. I look at him, expecting to see him looking down at me, but he is not. His gaze is distant, but I know he is looking to what's in front of him.

I squeezed him back. And I can see the corners of his mouth move gently to form a simple, perfect smile. He doesn't say a thing, I don't either. There's no need to. And that's also part of the whole "special thing". Our special time.

He knows what I'm thinking. He could then feel what makes me scared. What makes me wonder if this is OK.

Or maybe I'm just stupidly daydreaming like a teenager. I mean, the possibility is there, of course. I can't read minds. Sure, I wish I had that superpower (or any other for the matter). But... how could I when I even have some difficulties reading and understanding my own thoughts?

That's the first superpower I'm still trying to master.

But somehow I doubt that. Somehow I know he is on my side. That should sound crazy, but I have realized it's something we, as humans, always want to believe. We want to know who we can trust blindfolded. Someone who will support us, even when the odds look bad enough to run away.

And sure, that doesn't have to be forever, either. Teams, couples, groups... they all could get disbanded someday. Maybe just for the next minutes or hours this out-of-the-ordinary date will continue... but who said short moments are less important? For what I've experienced, the best moments only last a short while. Otherwise, why would they be better from the rest?

Once I read something. It was something like: "would you rather live one perfect day over and over or live your life with no perfect days but just decent ones?" I have thought about that pretty seriously. And I decided I would choose the decent days. Otherwise, why would perfect, special days will keep being special if they are always there?

But enough lost-in-thoughts for now.

"I remember everything a little bit different." I told him after a while of more walking and perfect silence. I used to believe perfection doesn't exist, even when I tried to reach it, myself.

He smiles again, widely now and I swear he's shining somehow. Just like an angel. And I laugh (in my head, of course, not like a psycho) of this thought because I once believed he was an angel... of sorts. No wings, no halo, no white coat. Just a normal-looking human being, with sneakers and face imperfections but also... with some kind of aura or energy I feel attracted to. Because I feel OK, I feel safe whenever I'm around him.

"That was to be expected. Because things never stay the same forever." He said and I nod, because he's so right. That was the most accurate thing he could have ever said.

"Now what?" I ask. We are still holding hands. We watch a bunch of people pass by. Some of them are pretty young couples. They are smiling, they are laughing, blushing, hiding their real thoughts. I used to be like that, too.

"I guess we can stay a little longer. Then, go back home."

Home. For years that word have meant so many different things.

"You know..." I started to say, because I felt like so. I needed to say it just the way it came to my mind: direct, sincere, fearless. "When I first saw you, I thought you were a jerk. Then I thought you were just weird. Then I started to like you. Weird thing and all. And then, I realized I was weird and a jerk as well, and not only that but overdramatic and crazy... back then, I was afraid. I still am. I mean... I guess the fear will never go away. Not completely. But, here you are, here I am..."

"And we still are two weird and crazy persons, uh?" He said and we both laughed. I hold his hand tighter. I can feel his blood rushing through his veins. I can feel his ring clashing against mine.

"Yes, we are." I said. I lean a little towards him. I want to feel his warmth and his breathing. Just to remember we are alive, that this is real, that we are here right now, in this perfect moment. "You're wearing the ring." I mumble nervously. "I thought it would be..."
"Of course I'll wear it." He said, circling his arm around me. "We were just separated. Not forgotten. And like you said, here we are, yet again."
"I missed this—you, so much." I said, feeling suddenly like a new, real special moment was going on. And there was no a big choir nor glitter falling down the sky. And still, it was magical. I was just nice.

I don't have any doubt now.

"I never stopped missing you." That's what he said before we left that place, that old street, the same place where we first met 40 years ago. "Will you stay for a few years more?"

I didn't answer, because he knew.