Our Words Are Stars

9. Flipping our coin.

Have you ever wanted to go back in time to change something with someone? Maybe to stop a fight or just to say the right words before one even started. We all have regrets in our past relationships, I know that, I do have them. But I know it's impossible to go back in time.

Or so I thought.

Because that day, the day I decided I was about to move on I had the small 25 cent coin -our coin- in my hand and ready to throw it away, falling down the cliff until it sank forever in that river. But I stopped mid-action just to hold it for a little while longer...

Then I flipped it thinking about you while it turned over and over again through the air; I thought about your angular face, your sweet smell, your soft green eyes, your warm hand on mine... just for this last time.

I wish I could go back, I thought.

And then, something changed. It wasn't morning anymore. The sun was setting over the hills. Confused, I turned myself and looked back. And there you were again, same expression, same clothing, same smell... you were looking for someone. You were looking for me, for the first time.

I don't know how, or why. But this time I wanted to tell you what didn't say.

*****

You looked nervous. Maybe the first time I didn't notice it because I was so freaking nervous myself. I thought I was over the typical nervousness of the first date but that day... I remember perfectly how my hands were shaking, how I could barely make a complete sentence.

But while I saw you again, after so many months, almost a year, I can't help but being nervous again. This time is different, though. It's because I don't know if this is real or not.

If I should get closer or not. If I should even be here, trying to talk to you yet again.

Why should I? I know the most possible outcome: you, making me fall in love for you and then disappearing.

I'm not sure I want to go back to that.

Sure, I wanted to see you again (and here you are, looking handsome and perfect like always) but not exactly... like this... time traveling and stuff.

I know I should be more scared due to the fact I fucking traveled back in time to the day we met, but even though I am, I'm even more frightened with the idea of me and you talking again. And I'm not even mentioning the fact that I would know everything about us (how it all started, how I fell hard for you, how you promise to stay and then how you didn't and to finish with months and months of doubts and uncompleted feelings.

I hesitated as people were passing by. Should I go with you? Should I hide? Should I scream that I'm not in my correct timeline?

And then you look directly at me, just the way you did the first time. You smiled, and once again, my stomach flipped. You waved at me, and started walking towards me.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no...

I move awkwardly, something between moving forward and backward. And I realized maybe that's exactly how everything worked with us. With you. One day you were sure, the next not really.

"Hey," you said. Your voice. I... I forgot how your voice sounded and God... it felt such a blessing to hear it again. All those moments when I dreamed about you, you didn't speak, and it didn't matter, your voice didn't matter there. But now... it's like getting soaked with ice-cold water.

I can't do this. I can't do this. I should go. I shouldn't be here. "Hey." I called back.

And then I remembered something else. The first time we met we were already mad at each other. Yes, even from the beginning, even when I was feeling butterflies flapping around my belly while you had a smile and bright eyes, we were already mad at each other.