ACOTAR Oneshots

Nessian Nightmares

I woke up to the sound of heavy breathing and the ruffling of sheets. My eyes fluttered open and I felt my heart drop. But it wasn't my emotions I was feeling in that moment, it was my mates. I immediately flipped my body over, eyes wide and searching for my him. Cassian was withering around beside me, muttering something I couldn't understand with a pained expression on his face.

I placed my hands on his broad shoulders and shook him slightly. "Cassian." I said. He grunted but didn't wake. I didn't know what he was dreaming about but I felt everything he was feeling through the bond. His pain. His guilt. Even his hatred for himself. It hurt me knowing my mate was feeling all of these things. I had to stop it.

I shook him more violently and yelled his name. This time his eyes shot open and he hauled himself out of bed so fast I hardly registered it. I felt unmistakable fear surge through the bond. He racked his hand through his hair and started towards the baclcony, wings tucked in tight with eyes glued to the floor. "I'm fine, Nesta. Just need some air. Go back to bed."

He opened the glass door and put his hands on the balcony. His shoulders hunched with his face bowed. He looked defeated. I considered giving him space but my need to take his pain away overruled that feeling. I slowly made my way to the open door. He didn't look at me as I hesitantly walked up next to him.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

A pause. "It's all my fault." He barely whispered.

"What is?" I ask.

He glanced at me softly before moving to sit on the balcony couch. I did the same, keeping my eyes on him the whole time. He looked nervous, an emotion I've only seen on him a handful of times. We sat in silence for a minute before he started talking again. "I was 213 years old, fairly new at commanding. I came home from training one day and heard screaming in a house nearby. When I got there I saw a half naked woman with ripped clothes curled in the corner and a large male pummeling a smaller one into the ground. I broke them up and after figuring out that the bigger male was trying to rape the woman, I eventually killed him. After counseling the woman and taking care of the body, I took the smaller male back to my home and talked to him all night. He tried to save the woman but wasn't strong enough. His name was Kaius. He was only 18 years old and a bastard born. He reminded me so much of myself that I offered to train him one on one while he lived with me. He got much better and as much as I was a mentor to him, we were friends too." Cassian took a  deep breath and adjusted his position.

"There was a small battle against another continent you've probably never heard of. They came from the North. He was 21 at the time and hadn't taken the bloodrite yet. He begged to go with me. I refused at first, telling him he wasn't ready but he was so persistent. He wanted to protect our people. I finally agreed and he joined us for the fight."

He swallowed hard. "I still remember his face when he was stabbed through the back." A tear rolled down his cheek as he looked out to the night sky like he could see it in front of him.

"He was looking right at me. Blood running down his chin and eyes full of fear and regret. I raced to him and slaughtered his killer but I was too late to save him." More tears fell down his cheeks and he shook his head, now looking at his hands like he was holding something. "I held him in my arms and he told me he wasn't ready to die. But I was useless in that moment. I couldn't do anything but watch as the life slowly drained out of him. I've never felt so much guilt and heartbreak in my life." I felt water stream down my cheeks and realized I was crying too. I reached out to grab his hand and squeezed it. I've never seen him so vulnerable and full of self hatred.

He continued with a broken voice. "I failed him. I shouldn't have let him come with me. I knew deep down he wasn't ready but I let him go anyway." Cassian covered his face with his hands. My heart felt like it was ripped out of my chest. I scooted closer and wrapped my arms around him as tight as I could. "I hate myself for killing him." He shook his head in disgust with himself.

"Hey." I said. I let his body go and took his face in my hands. "Please don't hate yourself, Cassian. You didn't kill him. Even the best leaders have faults. You aren't a God. None of use are. We make mistakes and learn from them and sometimes other people get hurt in the process. But you didn't mean for that to happen and I know you would have traded your life for his if you could have."

He looked at me with glazed and tired eyes. "He was just a kid, Nesta." The pain on his face was unbearable. I pulled I'm into my arms and hugged him fully. He buried his face in my neck, finally letting himself lose control of his emotions. "Shhhh. It's okay. I'm here." I whispered.

He cried in my arms for a awhile, mourning his past friend. I trailed my fingers through his hair and hummed a song my mother used to sing to me as a child. He started to relax in my arms and after many minutes we untangled slowly. "Thank you, Nesta." He whispered and wiped his tears with his forearm.

"You don't ever have to thank me for something like this Cas. I love you and I'm always here for you when you need me. It's what mates do."

He smiled softly and kissed my forehead. "Yes, it's what mates do." He whispered and snuggled me into him. "Will you tell me about him?" I asked hesitantly.

Cassian stilled and I prayed I didn't go too far as I looked up. But he nodded and I relaxed in relief.

For the rest of the night Cassian told me stories of Kiaus. He told me of his embarrassing failures with women when they first met and how he overcame that with Cassian's own expert tips. How once a week he would bring flowers to the female who was attacked that night. How she so obviously fell in love with him over the years but he was too oblivious to notice. He told me of how crushed she was when he told her of Kiaus's death. He said he was the most soft yet brave male in the camps.

Sometimes we laughed. Sometimes he cried. And sometimes we just held each other in silence. We talked for hours on the balcony until finally drifting off to sleep under the stars.