Cruel Reviews

Where The Desert Ends by KateKay3948

3-9-2019

This is my 13th review and it's for Where The Desert Ends. Keep in mind that this review may no longer apply after a while, if the writer happens to edit their work eventually.

I want to get a few grammatical/spelling errors out of the way. Plus any misplaced vocabulary.

Doors don't shut with a soft sound. An unnecessary description can at times make it feel as though you can see through the writer's process. 

Glanced at, not to.

Nyla couldn't look away; instead of a comma.

And now the writing.

Starting with a short, single line can be effective and dramatic. It can also be a trap for cliches. I do not mind cliched story elements when done well but starting off with a somewhat common line can waste a great opportunity. 

The plot revolves around a girl named Nyla and her little sister Aisley, living in a town where water is scarce and no one has heard of seas or oceans. It is a desert and no one is allowed to leave the town or the guards gun gun them down if they catch them. Aisley calls her older sister out into the town centre, just in time to witness a man announce that he has found a place with endless water, before the guards gun him down. Nyla quickly takes her sister home, telling her not to listen to such fantasies. 

The genre that this prologue sets up would be close to the Chrysalids by John Windham. It is the story of a journey, at a post-apocalyptic time, to a better place potentially, while defying the wishes of an oppressive regime. 

The description of Nyla's day ends on her going to go see her best friend. Yet when the scene begins, she is in her own home. No return was mentioned. And the part mentioning her father's indulgence in illegal activities feels a bit tacked on. A bit of elaboration perhaps or better yet, save it for later. But it is a good way to explain that there's no mother in the picture. 

The author has made a brave attempt at a difficult genre. She has not described the setting, but that does not seem much of a necessity. She thrusts the reader into the story and does not get side-tracked from the narrative to give away a bit of backstory, instead allowing it to naturally emerge. The dialog is simple yet compelling and have been strung together to form the conversations with great skill. 

But the writing itself can at certain times be... underwhelming. This is a bit hard to explain, as I would have to pick out specific lines one by one. Perhaps, reading the story out loud would better help see what exactly doesn't flow with these lines. But these are rare cases and overall, the author's work has been solid.

That brings me to the end of my review.  The story still seems to be in the phase of developing, with only 8 chapters out so far. This review was for only the first chapter. GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR FUTURE WRITING KateKay3948!