Bullet Points

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The water was scalding and yet, Han Shangyan's blood was running as cold as ice.

Steam rose in lazy, hazy spirals, tickling the back of his neck uncomfortably as the despondent K and K boss propped his neck against the cold, unyielding ceramic. The porcelain was as firm and unforgiving as Tong Nian's stubborn mother and all he felt like doing was pounding his head backwards until he lost consciousness. Anything to escape the pain that was cracking his chest in two. The former Gun God had fled into the bathroom to escape his mother's incessant line of questioning, but there was no relaxation to be found even in solitude. There was no running from the shame and defeat that was gnawing painfully at the pit of his stomach. There was no escaping from the love that he had thrown aside without mercy.

Admittedly, it wasn't the first time Han Shangyan had rashly raced away from his feelings; in fact, his modus operandi seemed to be to turn his back on the things that discomforted him and it was a flaw he apparently hadn't outgrown. Gun had dived for cover when he felt exposed and vulnerable ten years ago and he was repeating the same mistake all over again. As soon as the going got tough, emotionally speaking, he ran for the hills without considering all his options. Han Shangyan had thought that at thirty years old he was past the lack of self confidence, but apparently he still buckled like wet sand when it came to those he cared about - how disappointed he was with himself. He could only imagine how terrible and bewildered Nian Nian was currently feeling. Not that he deserved to even think her name. Not that he could even dare think about anyone else.

The thing was, Gun had never once anticipated turning his back so callously on Tong Nian. She was the one girl who made his heart beat like a machine gun in his chest, but it didn't change anything. He wanted her, wanted her as his own, but he wasn't allowed - he had been deluding himself from the moment they had met. Even in the early days of their courtship, if he could even call it that, Gun had been reluctant to sever all ties. It would have been so easy too; he could have allowed her to explain the mistake to her parents and debunked KK's assumptions, he could have effortlessly treated her like a glitch in the system that needed to be patched. And yet, he hadn't been able to face the idea of never seeing the bubbly young girl again. Like it or not, Tong Nian had captured Han Shangyan's attention early on, and she was still eclipsing his heart. Would he ever be able to see clearly again? It was inevitable he supposed, but he had lost her before she was every really his and his verve along with her. Shangyan felt... lost, untethered, adrift without meaningful direction. The feeling was utterly foreign and utterly horrifying; from his teen years, Han Shangyan had always had purpose and methodical reasoning, a single minded focus that drove him forward. He had tamped down on his irrationality when he began to shoulder more responsibility, but because of her, all his repressed emotions were simmering dangerously close to the surface. Gun was out of commission, depleted, deflated and fragmented in a way that he couldn't quite verbalise. He had abandoned Tong Nian and it was killing him inside.

The steam was usually mesmerising, sending him away into a landscape of peaceful thoughts, but today, there was no room in Gun's heart for anything but turmoil. He was a storm, a tempest of raging, bitter emotion that even ten years of rigid self control could not reign in. Han Shangyan's brain was throbbing as it taunted him repeatedly with the same words over and over. Four days. The longest four days of my life. It had been four days since he ran away to his mama's house like a scared little boy. Four days of dark torment. Four days of bleak heartbreak. Four days since he had deliberately and precisely driven his sharply worded dagger into Tong Nian's heart with the intent to kill any love that had blossomed for him. Nevermind that he was bleeding himself painfully to death in the process. Nevermind that for the first time in ten years he had focused on himself for just a moment and felt truly happy, truly valued by his Little Squid. He had had a taste of unrestrained (on her part), unfettered happiness and he should have known it was too good to last. Tong Nian was a ray of sunshine, the epitome of happiness; she had never been meant for a denizen of darkness such as himself. The name 'Han Shangyan' was synonymous with 'sacrifice' and he was sick to the back teeth of it. His club had been first on his list of priorities for so long and he had neglected his own heart for a lifetime - only Nian Nian had made him feel like her player one. Didn't he deserve to be happy? Just for once? This heartache wasn't what he had wanted but her mother's words had struck him with all the pain of an exposed nerve; he was simply terrified to hold Little Squid back, to detriment her in any way. Tong Nian was all that was good and pure and beautiful and he was loathe to tarnish her brilliance. She was leagues better than him. Her mother was right. But it didn't mean it hurt any less.