The Mess I Made ─ A. Taylor-Johnson ─ HIATUS

Thirty-Five; Twitter & Blog

double j | @noturprincess

Over the years, people have been asking about my 'November moods' and the reason behind my break-ups with Josh and Tyler. I've decided it's time for me to tell you guys the truth.

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The Truth About Novembers

There are things that I've kept hidden from my fans, my friends, and even family members. Things that have changed who I am as a person. These things I've kept a secret for eight years, but I'm sharing now because I believe it is a necessary part of my healing process.

Eight years ago, in September 2011, I found out I was pregnant. And though Josh and I weren't planning on starting a family so young, we were both ecstatic. We decided we'd tell certain members of our families immediately, as well as Josh's band members and my boys, but otherwise keep the pregnancy a secret until we were out of the Danger Zone.

But, as you may have noticed, there was no pregnancy announcement, and there is no baby. I never made it out of that Danger Zone. I lost our baby at ten weeks, and it broke me. I turned to alcohol. I'm not proud of it, but that's what I did. I used alcohol to mask the pain, and there was a time I was never sober.

My alcoholism ruined my relationships with Josh (twice) and later Tyler (the first time).

Though a lot of the people in my life noticed that I was drinking a little too much (which is an understatement), only a small fraction of them knew the reason why. I never told my younger brother and sister I was pregnant. Eight years ago, Carter was 9 and Maddox was 7, and I wasn't sure they'd be able to keep the secret. I never told them that I was pregnant, and I never told them that I lost my baby.

Josh tried to stay by my side through everything, but he was grieving the loss of our child, too. I was too blinded by my own pain and I kept pushing him away. For that, I'm sorry.

My parents, Danny, James, and Aaron were the ones who helped me beat my alcoholism. They stopped drinking themselves, and haven't since. I will never be able to accurately word how grateful I am for them. They didn't have to do this for me, but they did it anyway.

I have despised November since then. That month broke something inside of me, and turned me into someone I'm not, someone I refuse to be again. In the Novembers between then and now, I had trouble getting out of bed. I would shut people out, ignore the world, and resurface once the month was gone. This year, I only left the house to film, because I didn't want to let the cast and crew down, and I didn't shut anyone out. Because I don't live alone, for one, and I share a bed with someone who reminded me that I'm strong every day.

I also reached out to someone I haven't spoken to in a long, long time, and he told me something that gave me hope. It'll be December soon. Those words might not hold any weight to anyone else but me and him, it gave me hope. Hope for what? I'm not sure, maybe hope that one day, I will get through a November without hating it.

Now, it's December 1st, and another November has come and gone.

I'm not sorry for keeping this from you, because this is my pain and I get to choose when or if I share it.

This is why I used to disappear in Novembers. I hope that next year, I won't hide.

Love, Jaymes Davis x

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Replying to @noturprincess

↳ ADOLESCENT JAMES @noturprince: i'm so proud of you, princess💕

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Replying to @noturprincess

↳ Aaron Johnson @AaronTJohnson: i'll always be by your side, darling

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Replying to @noturprincess

↳ Sam Taylor Johnson @SamTJ: Incredibly proud to have you as a role model for my girls!

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Replying to @noturprincess

↳ DANI @notdannydavis: know that you're not fighting alone❤️

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Replying to @noturprincess

↳ froakie @mermaidcarter: i'm in tears. had i known sooner, i would have tried my best to help you fight away the pain❤️

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Replying to @noturprincess

↳ lanky boy @okmads: wow my big sister is a warrior

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Replying to @noturprincess

↳ tyler posey @tylergposey: our relationship was never ruined, jaymes. only revised.

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Replying to @noturprincess

↳ Grant Gustin @GrantGust: you're so brave, jay! and i love you even more for opening up about your pain

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Replying to @noturprincess

↳ Robert Downey Jr @RobertDowneyJr: I might be your favorite superhero, but you're mine

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