Pushed & Pulled

Chapter 3: Healing begins with you

"Don't Mock A Pain You Haven't endured"

-UNKNOWN- 

"A man asked me out last week." I say fumbling with the hem of my shirt. "Really, what did you tell him?" "I told him the truth, I'm not ready to date." I look up at my therapist Diane. "And did he ask why?" She asks. "Not exactly." Her eyebrows lift, as she peers from behind her glasses. "Well...." I met her gaze. "I was kind of twirling my wedding band around my finger, so naturally he assumed I was married." I try to go for nonchalant tone shrugging my shoulders. "Then what happened?" She asks. "I told him that my husband had passed away last year." She sits up a little in her chair. "And how do you feel about him knowing that?" She takes her glasses off and sets them on the small table next to her wing back auburn leather chair. "I'm not sure." I lie. "Ambrosia try to go back and tell me how you felt the moment you told this man about Damon." My eyes begin to well up and I can feel my throat starting to swell, at the mention of his name. "I felt relieved and...." I look down as a tear starts to roll down my check. "Ambrosia." Diane brings me back. "Its okay to feel happy or even relieved, you haven't told anyone about Damon's death, this is progress. I think you should consider going out to dinner with him." Leaning back, I let her words soak into me.

All I could think about driving home was Diane's words. I kept repeating them over and over, "I think you should consider going out to dinner with Cameron". I pull up to my house, turn my car off and get out, almost instantly I freeze and start to get a sick feeling in my stomach, as an uneasy chill races up my body. I look around, and I get the feeling like someone's watching me. I lock my car and practically run to my front door, and of course I drop my keys. Isn't this the part where the killer comes up behind the girl and slashes her throat? I think in my head. Okay thinking like that is not helping. I push open my front door and slam it behind me, leaning against it I take a deep breath. Jeez what's gotten into me? Locking the door helps lower my sudden anxiety. That was strange. I've always felt safe living here, it's quiet and right on the beach, it's very calm, I hardly ever see any of my neighbors. I brush it off and head to my room. 

After a quick shower, I'm dressed and ready for bed. Standing in my room I begin to look at all the unpacked boxes that line my bedroom walls. "There's no better time than the present" I shudder. Did I just quote Diane? Kill me! Giving in I start to open them up. First things first where is my I-pod? I'm going to need some music. After digging through a few boxes, I find it and put in my earbuds and my music blasts to life. Two hours later I'm on the final three boxes in my room, since my packing was a blur every box is a surprise, which is kind of making it fun! I laugh out loud. Yeah right, I hate unpacking. Grabbing the box closest to me I throw it up on the bed and decide to go through it while sitting. 

Tearing off the tape I pull open the tabs, my heart starts to race, and my throat feels constricted as I stare at a white pillow in a plastic cover. Damon's pillow. I'm not sure how long I've been sitting here. A minute? Maybe an hour or two, I can't look away. Tears are no longer falling down my cheeks, I feel stiff from being in the same position for so long. I slowly unzip the plastic case and gently pull the pillow out. Bringing it up to my face I inhale the scent of my lost husband although faded I can still make out cedar mixed with Irish spring soap. My heart still hurts, I imagine it always will. I sigh. But it feels a little different this time. I'm not as broken as I used to feel anytime I think about Damon. I lay down and pull the covers over my head and just hold Damon's pillow. My head hurts, my throat is sore, and my eyes are dry. Closing my eyes, I welcome sleep.

I wake up around Five in the morning. Listening to the waves outside, its soothing to my raw emotions. I'm so glad I moved closer to the beach. The cool mist blows though my bedroom window, it helps most nights. No car horns, barking dogs, or children crying. No, just peaceful noises. I close my eyes, and as soon as I feel myself drifting to sleep, I hear a dog barking. Great! just great! Well just kidding about peaceful, non-annoying noises. Okay the dog AND the annoying owner who think it's okay to let their dog bark at five in the morning on a Saturday? Okay. I take a deep breath. They will pass and then maybe I can actually get back to sleep and slip in a few more hours, but instead the barking gets closer. "Jeez!" I yell out load throwing the covers off, I yank my robe from the hook on the door and walk to the back door. I'm going to give whoever this inconsiderate person is a piece of my mind. I don't even bother with shoes I head out the back door down the stairs and across the short path that Leads to the beach, my long brown hair whipping around frantically behind me.