a really sucky story

You can't Sit Here

  Read the thingy at the end please. Thanks :)         

        Alex's POV

           I don’t get perfect people. First of all, how are they so perfect? Why them? Why not me? Why not the lonely kid who picks at her food and sits alone? I’m not talking about those popular kids that sit at ‘the cool table’ and pick on anyone who is below them, they’re far from perfect. I’m talking about those people who take care of themselves while caring for others. That might sound a little pathetic but it’s true. I don’t know what it is with me, I just want to be confident about who I talk to; not that I’ve talked to anyone. The thing is, seeing couples, friends or even family, walk around while holding hands and just enjoying the safe feeling of one another’s embrace. That’s what I want. I want to feel safe. I want to feel wanted. I want to feel needed. I want to be that one guy that everyone wants to partner up with. I want to be the first person to be picked for a team. I want to be likable.

                My mom told me to try to outweigh the negatives with the positives. Or is it the other way around? Anyways. I’ve always found that difficult, I don’t know why. Maybe I’m just not normal. Yeah, I’m defiantly not normal.

                Can I just bring something up? I hate when people say they have no friends, when clearly, they have tons of friends. Is that what’s in now? Having no friends? Being all grunge and hipster and other shit I can’t remember. Is depression a trend now? Is loneliness cool now? Last time I checked, it fucking hurts. It hurts being alone with your thoughts. Some people actually don’t have ‘friends’ to go to in times of need. Some people drag themselves on thinking about how pointless their life is. Some people just want to straight out end it all.

                I’m one of those people.

                At the same time, I’m not. Why? I’m too scared to. I’ve always been too scared to. Picking up a blade makes me want to sob instead of actually cutting. There was this one point in my life, I was just so broken. I needed something to give me control of my life. I actually considered it you know? I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t. I thought it was pathetic, so instead I did something stupid. I ate all my fucking feelings. I ate a lot, don’t get me wrong. I’m not really that big. My eating pattern is so fucked up. There would be moments when I’d just look at myself in the mirror and feel ugly and unwanted, so I wouldn’t eat for the next week.

                I know people go through the same things as me. A lot of people actually, from what I’ve heard. I just want to know, why haven’t I found them yet? I want to help them. I want them to help me. I want to be considered someone’s best friend, the person that helped them get through a difficult time in their life. I want to feel proud of someone, I want to feel proud of myself. I want to feel something that gives me hope. Hope. That’s what I want to feel. 

                The only hope I receive is from music.

Hey, don't write yourself off yet

It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.

Just try your best, try everything you can.

And don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away.

It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.

Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright).

Hey, you know they're all the same.