Thirteen

Chapter Fourteen: Trim

Chapter Fourteen: 

In two weeks, school will let out for the Christmas holiday. Whitney is already making plans to hang out every day of the break. I can't say that I'm honestly that excited. 

I keep having these odd thrills that run through me, like being electrocuted. It prickles on the back of my neck and tingles down my spine and thrums through my veins. This feeling: it's one that I've never truly felt before. 

This feeling: I am becoming interested and invested in life. 

Random things that I see give me pleasure and happiness. 

In Creative Writing class, I walked in. I stared at Lia Hart, who I haven't spoken to even once. She appeared to me unlike she ever had before. Usually her dark hair is frizzy. Her eyes are too large for her face. Her cheeks are too sunken in. She's normally too pale. She normally looks sickly and unlovable. 

But today I looked at her. I saw her in a different light. 

Here was a girl, a slender willowy girl with skin like alabaster and pale blue-green eyes that seemed to take apart everything that they gazed at and analyze them. They were distant but stunning. In their color and in their depth. They were the eyes of someone who had seen too much, who had had enough of life. I thought they were beautiful. 

Here was a girl with dark hair that tumbled down her shapely neck and framed her sculpted, thin face. Her hair was like black silk, rippling downward from her scalp like a smooth, glossy waterfall. Her eyebrows arched in such a painfully breathtaking way over her eyes. I'd never before noticed the shape of them, but the gently downward curling brows were delicate, just like the rest of her countenance. 

Her lips were pale, like snowflakes and surprisingly curvaceous, despite the fact that they weren't very full. Her mouth held a thousand different thoughts and emotions in them with the careful way that she held her lips, little wrinkles forming around the creases of her mouth, at the corner. I became overly absorbed in those little wrinkles, though my eyes glided over her features, taking in her beauty seemingly for the first time. 

My heart began to pound and I remembered when I used to dream of it stopping. 

I still do, but life is fighting back. 

Oh, such a cruel joke life has played on me, making me notice Lia in this manner, making me fall for a girl who I am not supposed to want. Such a cruel joke life is laughing at. Watching me struggle. Watching and waiting for me to give up. 

Well I will not give in to life's selfish wants. 

I will kill myself, I promise. 

And if need be, I will forget about everyone. 

I must not look at Lia in this way. She has captured my heart and my attention and although I have become quite infatuated with her, I know that she is depressed as well. I can see the signs. She reminds me of myself. 

Oh, yes. 

Oh, yes, I understand what she thinks and wants. 

She craves death even more than I do. 

Oh, you beautiful girl. You breathtaking young woman...

I sympathize with you. Maybe if we knew each other, maybe if you returned my affections, we could kill ourselves together. Oh, how wonderfully romantic that would be. 

I can see us now, two cold corpses, arms threaded around each other, together. 

Until death do us part.