The Gremlins

Solitude

I lie in bed, twisted within the sheets, my ears ringing in my head, with the constant drone of the Gremlins in the background. Their mumbles had become like a sweet lullaby, lulling me to sleep, yet even with my heavy eyes, sleep escapes me tonight. Running on empty once again; too tired for the tears I dread. The clock ticks on, with the hours passing by I'm still staring at the ceiling, turning my pillow round and round just to find the cold spot for my head, which barely calms the sleeping thrill.

My mind wanders; I almost can't hear the whirr of my Gremlins, with a wishful longing of visiting that serene dream realm of mine, that magical, mystical world. I wished so much to return, craving to feel the cold splash of the mermaids mischievously playing in the sea, making a game of trying to get my attention as I bask in the warm sun nearby, attempting to pull my attention away from the mesmerising fairies gleefully dancing and weaving amongst the trees of the forest, glistening and twinkling as they do so. I fear this will all be but a distant memory as on the rare occasions sleep finds me I will inevitably be sucked into the darkness of that foul and wretched place once again.

Although it has been a few weeks since the last outbreak, since the last time the Gremlins had their frenzy with their words spiralling like a tornado, I still yearn to have just one moment without the murmur of the Gremlins, to have one moment of peace, to not live with the constant anxiety of when they will next attack in force. I grow weary; a constant state of exhaustion. My eyes getting heavier and heavier, as if weights were attached to my eyelids, pulling them down. Sleep has finally found me, will my Utopia find me, or will my suffering continue?

I can no longer feel the comfort of the twisted sheets I tangled myself within on my skin, or the soft mattress beneath me, just a grainy itch of sand and a warm glow of a beating sun, a sun so bright it manages to pierce through my tightly shut eyelids. I can feel excitement bubbling up from deep within me. I have arrived! I have found my enchanted land!

I open my eyes and pull myself to my feet, taking a few moments for my eyes to adjust to the brightness of my surroundings. Taking in long, deliberate breaths, feeling the air fill my lungs with purpose; there is no heaviness around me, no putrid smell creeping up my nostrils. My attention is soon drawn to the silence, absolute silence. There are no birds tweeting, no leaves rustling, or no mermaids splashing, no clanking of chains either; but most importantly there are no lingering voices of the Gremlins. Just silence. I embrace the quiet. I embrace the solitude.

I look around, squinting in the sun, I see nothing. Not in its literal sense, there is the bright, blinding sun above me, blue skies without a single cloud, and an endless sea of sand. Just me, alone in this vast desert. And again; no Gremlins! I take another moment to embrace the silence and the peace. A moment was all I had before panic set in. I'm not where I want to be, but I'm not where I don't want to be. Where am I? This is somewhere new. I feel more unsettled than when I'm being stalked by my Gremlins. Where are my Gremlins? Becoming more on edge of my Gremlins whereabouts, of my whereabouts, and with the sun growing more intense with each panicked thought. With uneasiness and uncertainty increasing I am suddenly urged to seek for something. I am unsure of what it is I am supposed to find, or where I am to go.

As I'm trying to ignore the scorching sun and internal panic, I search the horizon for any clues of which direction to head. Still nothing but sand. I soon remembered a quote from a book I once read, a little girl asking a cat which way she should go, with the cat responding by asking where she would like to get to.

"I don't care where" says the girl

"Then it doesn't matter which way you go" responds the grinning cat

"... So long as I get somewhere" she continues to explain.

"Oh you're sure to do that; if only you walk long enough" the cat exclaims.

With these words in mind I set off in any which direction. I don't recall if I went left, right, straight on. I just walked. I walked and I walked, losing all concept of time, as if it no longer existed at all. The sun didn't set, nor did it rise, it just stayed where it was, still beating down on me. Despite all this walking I was still on edge that my Gremlins would show their ugly little faces, jump out of nowhere screeching at me like before. They had nowhere to hide out here, yet I couldn't shake that feeling. I can see nothing on the horizon, yet I still kept looking behind me, checking over my shoulder. I see only one set of footprints in the sand. Mine. I am alone, with no tiny little feet behind me, no voices, I am alone.

I collapse to the ground, exhaustion has taken a hold of me. Growing weaker and extremely dehydrated, desperate to find shelter and water and also regretting choosing to the Cheshire cat in my mind. What a ridiculous thing to do. Take advice from an imagined cat, a cat that didn't even stem from my imagination. The intense flare of the sun still beating down, had made me forget that I was actually at home safely tucked into my bed. Or at least I hope I was. Giving up, and accepting that I will perish out here in the desert I bundle myself in to a ball. I can't go on, I haven't got the strength. I longed to return to my home, to my frenzied gremlins, to their sweet lullaby. I never thought I'd see the day where I sought the comfort of their voices, their familiarity. I wanted them gone for so long but not at this cost.

Out of the corner of my eye I notice a blue orb dancing towards me. Squinting in the sun, unable to believe anything is out here with me. Scared and confused I get back on my feet, unsure to run or to greet this mysterious light. The choice was made for me, my feet stuck to the ground, unable to move, my body frozen in place. The ball is in front of me now, I can faintly make out a eyes peering out from its glow, staring at me. Is this a wisp? It dances delicately in front of me to little chirps and whistles. It's almost as if it is trying to communicate with me but I have no idea what it is trying to tell me. The chirps and whistles soon change to a words. Words I could understand. A soft voice. "Follow me" as the wisp still dances, this time slightly more erratically. "Follow me" it repeats its self, followed by a gleeful laugh. My feet, they can move again, but I feel I have no control over my body, I aimlessly follow the orb through the desert. Eyes fixated upon the blue hazy glow I didn't even notice myself battling through a thick over grown brush.

It was not till I tripped over an unearthed root that I realised my environment had changed. As I place my hands out to break my fall, it was not the sand I felt between my fingers, but a mixture of damp dirt and bark. I pause and stare at my dirt ridden hands, perplexed of how I had got here. I then remember the dancing orb that had led my way. I look around me, no wisp. But I seem to be surrounded by tall trees, vibrant green foliage, with a sub-tropic feel about the place. My ears prick, I can hear the trickle of running water. I had almost forgotten how parched I was. I followed the sound to a gentle stream. Before I could even think I had fallen to my knees slurping up the cold running water. Euphoria filled my body, my very being. I never knew how much I had craved for this moment.

Once fully hydrated, and satisfied I soon acknowledge the wisp had long gone. I was alone yet again. It had led me to safety and then abandoned me. I know I have not arrived still, but I was so grateful I was no longer in the harsh desert. I still cannot hear my Gremlins whisper, it's almost as if they've abandoned me too; an abandonment I welcome. But what I can hear is music to my ears, the running water, and the leaves rustling, the birds singing. I sit quietly taking in every sound, and all the different shades of green. Such beauty. As much as I would love to stay in this beautiful rainforest, I can feel this isn't where I was meant to finish my journey.

I take another gulp from the stream before setting off again, this time deeper into forest. I was not going back out into the harsh sun with no water. I'll also ignore the cats' advice I pick a direction with purpose; I decide to go up stream, to the source of the flowing water. I do not know what I will find there, but I know I will have water and shade; with any hope shelter too.